memoir: push on 5150 scenes

diff --git a/content/drafts/people-evolved-social-control-mechanisms-and-rocks.md b/content/drafts/people-evolved-social-control-mechanisms-and-rocks.md
index 97463ba..3807e7e 100644 (file)
--- a/content/drafts/people-evolved-social-control-mechanisms-and-rocks.md
+++ b/content/drafts/people-evolved-social-control-mechanisms-and-rocks.md
@@ -505,23 +505,26 @@ But a system that actually had my best interests at heart would not have _kidnap
 
 ...
 
+I remember pacing the tiled halls of a the first facility where they took me. I was exhausted, but also feeling a sort of manic euphoria, pacing around, tapping demonstratively at the signs on the walls, thinking it was my duty to teach the other inmates how to read. Ziz's report of Vassar's comment about "Zack Davis _vs._ the world" stuck with me; I had of vision of myself as one of the seven most important people in the world in the lead-up to the intelligence explosion, as reckoned by future historians. Being a world–historically important genius wouldn't have _felt like_ being a genius at the time, most of the time. It must have felt like being pretty smart, and the rest of the world seeming dumb and crazy. (A young Albert Einstein working in the Swiss patent office wouldn't have had the mononymic aura of "Einstein" _to his contemporaries_.) Notwithstanding that I was having psychotic delusions of grandeur at the time, I do think I had reason to feel pretty smart, and that the rest of the world was dumb and crazy.
 
-I remember pacing the tiled halls of a the first facility where they took me. I was exhausted, but also feeling a sort of manic euphoria, pacing around, tapping demonstratively at the signs on the walls, thinking it was my duty to teach the other inmates how to read.
+There were two rooms with beds, in that first facility: one for women, and one for men. I didn't end up sleeping there that I recall. Before long, I was taken to a separate facility, with individual rooms. (Or was I incredibly lucky to not have been assigned a roommate?)
 
-There were two rooms with beds: one for women, and one for men.
+...
 
-I got taken to a separate facility pretty soon, with separate rooms. (Was I incredibly lucky to not have been assigned a roommate?)
+My memories of life in psych prison aren't very clear, partially because of how out-of-it I was, and partially because it's been more than six years since then, and memories decay if you don't _write them down_ (within hours, days, weeks—not _six years_). I wrote a [little](/2017/Mar/fresh-princess/) [bit](/2017/Jun/memoirs-of-my-recent-madness-part-i-the-unanswerable-words/) about my experiences in 2017. I think I would have written more if I had remembered that the consequence of not confronting [the challenge of](/2017/Nov/the-blockhead/) recording painful memories is that you lose them. I retain some access to my psychotic [sense of life](http://aynrandlexicon.com/lexicon/sense_of_life.html), but only episodic fragments of specific events. ("Now memories are blurred, and their faces are obscured, but I still know the words to this song" ...)
 
-...
+My beliefs about game theory and evolutionary psychology—the theory and practice of making friends and avoiding enemies as a animal—seemed much more salient and actionable than anything about the world that was made of words, or the right way to behave as a person in civilization (as contrasted to an animal). 
 
- * ("Now memories are blurred, and their faces are obscured")
- * racist/sexist intuitions: avoid the gaze of males; males physically smaller than me are OK
- * a moment of solidarity with a black male smaller than me? 
- * beliefs about evolutionary psychology (make friends, avoid enemies) very salient
+It seemed important to avoid the gaze of males, particularly males physically larger than me. (If they noticed me noticing them, they would try to threaten me.)
+
+An Asian woman named Joy seemed to hurt herself on the hinges of the
  * fragmented memory: Joy intentionally hurt herself while I was trying to help her, football coach-like orderly said he was only trying to help; Joy says, this never happened
- * black woman named "Tone" asked what we had for breakfast
+
+A young black woman named Tone asked me what we had for breakfast—as if 
+
  * black man saying something about his mother, I explained that his mother probably did love him, he got angry, and I hid behind my door
- * doing better than in 2013 precisely because I was modeling the place as a prison
+ 
+ * a moment of solidarity with a black male smaller than me? 
 
 ...
 
@@ -529,6 +532,12 @@ I got the idea that it ought to be helpful to prove my agency to the staff. I'd
 
 ...
 
+I remember having Anna on the phone, and asking if I was a political prisoner. (The Soviet Union had declared its dissidents sick from sluggish schizophrenia as a pretext for locking them away.)
+
+She answered in the negative. "Really?" I said. (If I _was_ a political prisoner, she might not be able to say so over )
+
+She repeated her answer. "Really–really?"
+
 
 * asking Anna on the phone whether I was a political prisoner "Really?" "Really really?" followups (if I were a political prisoner; she might not be able to say so)
 
@@ -540,7 +549,7 @@ I got the idea that it ought to be helpful to prove my agency to the staff. I'd
 
 ...
 
- * other males pacing the way I pace
+I remember seeing other males pacing the hallways, the way that I pace sometimes. 
 
 ...
 
@@ -574,7 +583,7 @@ reply—
 
 [28 February, I email Blanchard/Bailey/Hsu/Lawrence]
 
-/2017/Mar/fresh-princess/
+
 
 [emailed Gunni on 26 Feb (still haven't gotten that inteview, 5 years later?!)]