check in against self-deception

You have to start writing in the morning! If you let the day get away
too far, sometimes you throw in the towel.

diff --git a/content/drafts/blanchards-dangerous-idea-and-the-plight-of-the-lucid-crossdreamer.md b/content/drafts/blanchards-dangerous-idea-and-the-plight-of-the-lucid-crossdreamer.md
index a18faa2..5405541 100644 (file)
--- a/content/drafts/blanchards-dangerous-idea-and-the-plight-of-the-lucid-crossdreamer.md
+++ b/content/drafts/blanchards-dangerous-idea-and-the-plight-of-the-lucid-crossdreamer.md
@@ -355,7 +355,7 @@ But (as I told the LCSW) I would _know_ that I was cherry-picking. HSTS-taxon bo
 
 --------
 
-Another consequence of my Blanchardian enlightenment is that around this time was my [break with progressive morality](http://zackmdavis.net/blog/2016/10/late-onset/). I had never _really_ been progressive, as such. (I was registered to vote as a Libertarian, the legacy of a teenage dalliance with Ayn Rand and the [greater](https://web.archive.org/web/20070531085902/http://www.reason.com/blog/) [libertarian](https://praxeology.net/unblog07-06.htm) [blogosphere](https://cafehayek.com/).) But there was still an embedded assumption, reflected in [my antisexist faith](/2021/May/sexual-dimorphism-in-the-sequences-in-relation-to-my-gender-problems/#antisexism), that, as far as America's culture wars went, I was unambiguously on the right (_i.e._, left) side of history, [the Blue Team and not the Red Team](http://zackmdavis.net/blog/2017/03/brand-rust/).
+Another consequence of my Blanchardian enlightenment is that around this time was my break with progressive morality. I had never _really_ been progressive, as such. (I was registered to vote as a Libertarian, the legacy of a teenage dalliance with Ayn Rand and the [greater](https://web.archive.org/web/20070531085902/http://www.reason.com/blog/) [libertarian](https://praxeology.net/unblog07-06.htm) [blogosphere](https://cafehayek.com/).) But there was still an embedded assumption, reflected in [my antisexist faith](/2021/May/sexual-dimorphism-in-the-sequences-in-relation-to-my-gender-problems/#antisexism), that, as far as America's culture wars went, I was unambiguously on the right (_i.e._, left) side of history, [the Blue Team and not the Red Team](http://zackmdavis.net/blog/2017/03/brand-rust/).
 
 Even after years of devouring heresies on the internet—I remember fascinatedly reading everything I could about race and IQ in the wake of [the James Watson affair back in 'aught-seven](https://www.gnxp.com/blog/2007/10/james-watson-tells-inconvenient-truth_296.php)—I had never really questioned my coalitional alignment. With some prompting from "Wilhelm", I was starting to question it now.
 
@@ -409,6 +409,14 @@ I say all this to emphasize just how much Yudkowsky's opinion meant to me. If yo
 
 ------
 
+http://zackmdavis.net/blog/2016/10/late-onset/
+
+and on my real-name blog 
+
+> the moment of liberating clarity when you resolve the tension between being a good person and the requirement to pretend to be stupid by deciding not to be a good person anymore 💖
+
+------
+
 I wrote about my frustrations to Scott Alexander of _Slate Star Codex_ fame (Subject: "J. Michael Bailey did nothing wrong"). The immediate result of this is that he ended up including a link to one of Kay Brown's study summaries (and expressing surprise at the claim that non-androphilic trans woman have very high IQs) in his [November links post](https://slatestarcodex.com/2016/11/01/links-1116-site-unseen/), and he [got some pushback even for that](https://slatestarscratchpad.tumblr.com/post/152736458066/hey-scott-im-a-bit-of-a-fan-of-yours-and-i).
 
 ------
@@ -635,7 +643,7 @@ Someone came to my defense: it was common to have mental blocks about criticizin
 
 The person also said it was hard because it seemed like there were no moderate centrists on gender: you could either be on Team "if you _ever_ want to know what genitals someone has for _any reason_, you are an _evil transphobe_ who should _die_", or Team "trans women are disgusting blokes in dresses who are _invading_ my female spaces for _nefarious purposes_ and we should burn them all".
 
-I added that the worst part is that "trans women are disgusting blokes in dresses who are invading my female spaces for nefarious purposes" view is basically _correct_. It was _phrased_ in a really dismissive manner. But words don't matter! Only predictions matter!
+I added that the worst part is that "trans women are disgusting blokes in dresses who are invading my female spaces for nefarious purposes" view was basically _correct_. It was _phrased_ in a really dismissive manner. But words don't matter! Only predictions matter!
 
 -----
 
@@ -674,7 +682,7 @@ I aptly summed up my mental state with a post that evening:
 
 > She had a delusional mental breakdown; you're a little bit manic; I'm in the Avatar state.[^avatar-state]
 
-[^avatar-state]: A reference to _Avatar: The Last Airbender_/_The Legend of Korra_, in which our hero can enter the ["Avatar state"](https://avatar.fandom.com/wiki/Avatar#Avatar_State) to become much more powerful—and also much more vulnerable.
+[^avatar-state]: A reference to _Avatar: The Last Airbender_/_The Legend of Korra_, in which our hero can enter the ["Avatar state"](https://avatar.fandom.com/wiki/Avatar#Avatar_State) to become much more powerful—and also much more vulnerable (not being reincarnated if killed in the Avatar state).
 
 I made plans to visit a friend's house that evening, but before I left the office, I spent some time drafting an email to Eliezer Yudkowsky. I remarked via PM to the person whose house I was to visit, "oh, maybe I shouldn't send this email to someone as important as Eliezer". Then, "oh, I guess that means the manic state is fading". Then: "I guess that feeling is the exact thing I'm supposed to be fighting". (Avoiding "crazy" actions like emailing a high-status person _wasn't safe_ in a world where all the high-status people where committed to believing that _men could be women by means of saying so_.) I did eventually decide to hold off on the email, and make my way to the friend's house. "Not good at navigation right now", I remarked.
 

diff --git a/content/drafts/standing-under-the-same-sky.md b/content/drafts/standing-under-the-same-sky.md
index a4ed7b1..d4c6ad6 100644 (file)
--- a/content/drafts/standing-under-the-same-sky.md
+++ b/content/drafts/standing-under-the-same-sky.md
@@ -1011,7 +1011,7 @@ So—insofar as my Most Important Issues revolved around an obsession with motiv
 
 It seems like my answer to the question of, "What does the underlying causal process of _Planecrash_ think about your Most Important Issues; what are some the ways that _Planecrash_ valorizes truth-telling as you, yourself, see that virtue?" is, "It doesn't" (!). Truth-telling is a virtue ethic, and _Planecrash_ depicts a universe ruled by consequentialist gods who only implement virtue ethics insofar as that made it into their utilityfunction.
 
-I realized, of course, that this certainly wasn't the answer Yudkowsky was looking for. But it seemed like a _better_ answer than me trying to play the schoolstudent. He asked what I saw when I looked at what the fictional universe was saying about _my_ problems, and I looked, and _I saw something_. (Something philosophically substantive, not just a social reality.) It seemed more honest to just report that, rather than try to [guess the teacher's password](https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/NMoLJuDJEms7Ku9XS/guessing-the-teacher-s-password). So, after sleeping on it first, I posted the explanation of what I saw to the channel (including the parts about how the original prompts steered me, and that I realized that this wasn't the answer he was looking for).
+I realized, of course, that this certainly wasn't the answer Yudkowsky was looking for. But it seemed like a _better_ answer than me trying to play the schoolstudent. He asked what I saw when I looked at what the fictional universe was saying about _my_ problems, and I looked, and _I saw something_. (Something philosophically substantive, definitely not just a social reality.) It seemed more honest to just report that, rather than keep trying to [guess the teacher's password](https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/NMoLJuDJEms7Ku9XS/guessing-the-teacher-s-password). So, after sleeping on it first, I posted the explanation of what I saw to the channel (including the parts about how the original prompts steered me, and that I realized that this wasn't the answer he was looking for).
 
 [TODO:
  * third bluebook didn't get a response

diff --git a/notes/memoir-sections.md b/notes/memoir-sections.md
index 2ac0841..d34b6f3 100644 (file)
--- a/notes/memoir-sections.md
+++ b/notes/memoir-sections.md
@@ -3,15 +3,15 @@ marked TODO
 ✓ "arrogance is offputting" (1:51 p.m. 13 Feb, 88 comments)
 _ fully off the rails 15–17 February [pt. 2]
 
+_ a moment of liberating clarity [pt. 2]
+- NRx education with "Wilhelm" [pt. 2]
+_ "model clicked"/Feb. discussion with "Wilhelm" [pt. 2]
+
 ✓ Eliezerfic fight: Big Yud tests me [pt. 6]
-_ Eliezerfic fight: grading rubric [pt. 6]
+- Eliezerfic fight: grading rubric [pt. 6]
 _ Eliezerfic fight: derail with lintamande [pt. 6]
 _ Eliezerfic fight: knives, and showing myself out [pt. 6]
 
-_ Vassar 2016
-- NRx education with "Wilhelm" [pt. 2]
-_ "model clicked"/Feb. discussion with "Wilhelm" [pt. 2]
-
 _ psych ward [pt. 2]
 _ emailing Blanchard/Bailey/Hsu/Lawrence [pt. 2]
 
@@ -53,6 +53,7 @@ _ Brian Skyrms??
 it was actually "wander onto the AGI mailing list wanting to build a really big semantic net" (https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/9HGR5qatMGoz4GhKj/above-average-ai-scientists)
 
 With internet available—
+_ The Parable of the Honest Man and the Thing
 _ Susan Fenimore Cooper
 _ Hidden Figures
 _ truth and reconciliation

diff --git a/notes/memoir_wordcounts.csv b/notes/memoir_wordcounts.csv
index 4cf529a..ac2d34d 100644 (file)
--- a/notes/memoir_wordcounts.csv
+++ b/notes/memoir_wordcounts.csv
@@ -346,4 +346,8 @@
 03/28/2023,108717,1055\r
 03/29/2023,109759,1042\r
 03/30/2023,110878,1119\r
-03/31/2023,,
\ No newline at end of file
+03/31/2023,112591,1713\r
+04/01/2023,112591,0\r
+04/02/2023,112591,0\r
+04/03/2023,112643,52\r
+04/04/2023,,
\ No newline at end of file

diff --git a/notes/post_ideas.txt b/notes/post_ideas.txt
index 8dffc26..4bdc4aa 100644 (file)
--- a/notes/post_ideas.txt
+++ b/notes/post_ideas.txt
@@ -1,10 +1,10 @@
 _ I'm Dropping the Pseudonym From This Blog
 _ Book Review: Nevada
-_ (pt. 2) Blanchard's Dangerous Idea and the Plight of the Lucid Crossdreamer (March 2016–April 2017)
-_ (pt. 3) A Hill of Validity in Defense of Meaning (November 2018–April 2019)
-
 _ Reply to Scott Alexander on Autogenderphilia
 _ Hrunkner Unnerby and the Shallowness of Progress (time permitting)
+
+_ (pt. 2) Blanchard's Dangerous Idea and the Plight of the Lucid Crossdreamer (March 2016–April 2017)
+_ (pt. 3) A Hill of Validity in Defense of Meaning (November 2018–April 2019)
 _ (pt. 4) If Clarity Seems Like Death to Them (April 2019–January 2021)
 _ (pt. 5) Agreeing With Stalin in Ways that Exhibit Generally Rationalist Principles (February 2021)
 _ (pt. 6) Standing Under the Same Sky (April 2021–April 2023)