check in

tomorrow, perhaps, I will be brave enough to write for real

or else

I will never stop being in pain

diff --git a/content/drafts/i-tell-myself-to-let-the-story-end-or-a-hill-of-validity-in-defense-of-meaning.md b/content/drafts/i-tell-myself-to-let-the-story-end-or-a-hill-of-validity-in-defense-of-meaning.md
index a66e3f1..fcf3266 100644 (file)
--- a/content/drafts/i-tell-myself-to-let-the-story-end-or-a-hill-of-validity-in-defense-of-meaning.md
+++ b/content/drafts/i-tell-myself-to-let-the-story-end-or-a-hill-of-validity-in-defense-of-meaning.md
@@ -14,7 +14,7 @@ Status: draft
 >
 > —Sara Barellies, ["Gonna Get Over You"](https://genius.com/Sara-bareilles-gonna-get-over-you-lyrics)
 
-I haven't been doing so well for a lot of the last ... um, year. I mean, I've always been a high-neuroticism person, but this has probably been a below-average year even by my standards, with hours of lost sleep, occasional crying bouts, _many, many_ hours of obsessive ruminating-while-pacing instead of doing my dayjob, and too long with a Sara Barellies song on loop to numb the pain. I've been reluctant to write about it in too much detail for poorly-understood psychological reasons. Maybe it would feel too much like attacking my friends?
+I haven't been doing so well for a lot of the last ... um, thirteen months. I mean, I've always been a high-neuroticism person, but this has probably been a below-average year even by my standards, with hours of lost sleep, occasional crying bouts, _many, many_ hours of obsessive ruminating-while-pacing instead of doing my dayjob, and too long with a Sara Barellies song on loop to numb the pain. I've been reluctant to write about it in too much detail for poorly-understood psychological reasons. Maybe it would feel too much like attacking my friends?
 
 But this blog is not about _not_ attacking my friends. This blog is about the truth. For my own sanity, for my own emotional closure, I need to tell the story as best I can. If it's an _incredibly boring and petty_ story about me getting _unreasonably angry_ about philosophy-of-language minutiæ, well, you've been warned. If the story makes me look bad in the reader's eyes (because you think I'm crazy for getting so unreasonably angry about philosophy-of-language minutiæ), then I shall be happy to look bad for _what I actually am_. (If _telling the truth_ about what I've been obsessively preoccupied with all year makes you dislike me, then you probably _should_ dislike me. If you were to approve of me on the basis of _factually inaccurate beliefs_, then the thing of which you approve, wouldn't be _me_.)
 

diff --git a/notes/i-tell-myself-notes.txt b/notes/i-tell-myself-notes.txt
index 1313b5f..701c9ae 100644 (file)
--- a/notes/i-tell-myself-notes.txt
+++ b/notes/i-tell-myself-notes.txt
@@ -86,6 +86,8 @@ the Church
 
 won't you be embarrassed to leave if we create utopia
 
+won't all those trans women be embarrassed after the singularity 
+
 invent a fake epistemology lesson
 
 we live in a world where reason doesn't work
@@ -279,10 +281,16 @@ I just don't _know how_ to tell the true tale of personal heartbreak without exp
 
 The "I can define the word 'woman' any way I want" argument is bullshit. All the actually-smart people know that it's bullshit at _some_ level, perhaps semi-consciously buried under a lot of cognitive dissonance. But it's _socially load-bearing_ bullshit that _not only_ does almost no one have an incentive to correct—
 
+
+
 But no one has the incentive to correct the mistake in public. 
 
+"woah, [toddler]'s learning about the facts of life
+[friend]'s explaining about how some parts usually get covered and about how some people don't have penises and stuff"
 "Some people don't have penises" ... can you be a little more specific?!
 
+same person: "people do tend to present as their genders"
+
 politicizing the question of what 2 + 2 should equal
 
 Aumann is an Orthodox Jew
@@ -462,3 +470,38 @@ cat/dog gaslighting; even if you don't particularly need that particular classif
 
 fame: arguing with a Discord server was low-impact compared to getting the leadership on board
 
+https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/CEGnJBHmkcwPTysb7/lonely-dissent
+
+Telling the difference between fantasy and reality is kind of an important life skill
+
+
+https://slatestarcodex.com/2017/11/07/does-age-bring-wisdom/
+
+> Sometimes I can almost feel this happening. First I believe something is true, and say so. Then I realize it's considered low-status and cringeworthy. Then I make a principled decision to avoid saying it–or say it only in a very careful way–in order to protect my reputation and ability to participate in society. Then when other people say it, I start looking down on them for being bad at public relations. Then I start looking down on them just for being low-status or cringeworthy. Finally the idea of "low-status" and "bad and wrong" have merged so fully in my mind that the idea seems terrible and ridiculous to me, and I only remember it's true if I force myself to explicitly consider the question. And even then, it's in a condescending way, where I feel like the people who say it's true deserve low status for not being smart enough to remember not to say it. This is endemic, and I try to quash it when I notice it, but I don't know how many times it's slipped my notice all the way to the point where I can no longer remember the truth of the original statement.
+
+
+https://www.greaterwrong.com/posts/FBgozHEv7J72NCEPB/my-way#comment-W4TAp4LuW3Ev6QWSF
+> I am skeptical that either sex can ever really model and predict the other’s deep internal life, short of computer-assisted telepathy. These are different brain designs we’re talking about here.
+
+
+https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/ctpkTaqTKbmm6uRgC/failed-utopia-4-2
+https://www.greaterwrong.com/posts/ctpkTaqTKbmm6uRgC/failed-utopia-4-2/comment/PhiGnX7qKzzgn2aKb
+https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/Py3uGnncqXuEfPtQp/interpersonal-entanglement
+
+"Failed Utopia #4-2" portrays 
+
+[on my reading, it's an important part of the argument that _verthandi_ are a _separate thing_, not just synthesized women]
+
+https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/QZs4vkC7cbyjL9XA9/changing-emotions
+
+> Jun 18, 2008
+> this is too perfectly terrifying, too terrifyingly perfect
+>
+> My search for not-previously-read Eliezer Yudkowsky material was getting kind of pathetic--I'd gotten to the point of reading his old messages in the archives of the extropians mailing list. And then I read this:
+>
+> http://lists.extropy.org/pipermail/extropy-chat/2004-September/008924.html
+>
+> --and the worst thing is that I cannot adequately talk about my feelings. Am I shocked, liberated, relieved, scared, angry, amused? I'm not going to read the replies right now. I have work to do, and--and I'm too floored? _I'm just not built to handle this sort of thing_. I remain,
+>
+> Zachary Michael Davis
+

diff --git a/notes/ragequit_linkpost.md b/notes/ragequit_linkpost.md
index 74e9943..9a72ae2 100644 (file)
--- a/notes/ragequit_linkpost.md
+++ b/notes/ragequit_linkpost.md
@@ -1,3 +1,3 @@
-**Backstory to:** [Where to Draw the Boundaries?](), [The Univariate Fallacy](), [Schelling Categories, and Simple Membership Tests](), [Heads I Win, Tails?—Never Heard of Her]()
+**Backstory to:** [Where to Draw the Boundaries?](https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/esRZaPXSHgWzyB2NL/where-to-draw-the-boundaries), [The Univariate Fallacy](https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/cu7YY7WdgJBs3DpmJ/the-univariate-fallacy), [Schelling Categories, and Simple Membership Tests](https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/edEXi4SpkXfvaX42j/schelling-categories-and-simple-membership-tests), [Heads I Win, Tails?—Never Heard of Her](https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/DoPo4PDjgSySquHX8/heads-i-win-tails-never-heard-of-her-or-selective-reporting), [Maybe Lying Doesn't Exist](https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/bSmgPNS6MTJsunTzS/maybe-lying-doesn-t-exist)
 
-Oh, in case anyone was wondering why I've been doing so much philosophy-of-language blogging this year, I wrote up the (long, personal) backstory on my secret ("secret") blog.
+Oh, in case anyone was wondering why I did so much philosophy-of-language blogging this year, I wrote up the (long, personal) backstory on my secret ("secret") blog, about how everyone I [used to trust](https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/wustx45CPL5rZenuo/no-safe-defense-not-even-science) is insistent on playing dumb about philosophy in a way that's clearly optimized to _confuse me into cutting my dick off_ (independently of the empirical facts that determine whether or not cutting my dick off is actually a good idea) and won't cut it out even after I spent five months of my life explaining the mistake in exhaustive detail.