--- /dev/null
+Title: Collective Debt, Collective Shame
+Date: 2020-01-01
+Category: commentary
+Tags: autogynephilia
+Status: draft
+
+What I said to /r/GenderCritical (it actually got to 3 points before it got deleted, and someone asked for clarification why I was being predatory, so not _everyone_ hates me https://www.reddit.com/r/GenderCritical/comments/5dwaqy/peak_trans_iv_tell_your_story_here/dbl5l20/ )—
+
+an likely-HSTS was better received: https://www.reddit.com/r/GenderCritical/comments/5dwaqy/peak_trans_iv_tell_your_story_here/dbmlbor/
+
+Does it help if I haven't transitioned and don't intend to? But if I've been _thinking_ about it, and I support my AGP MtT friends, it's understandable that I'm still part of the enemy from their perspective
+
+----
+
+Dear /r/gendercritical:
+
+So, I'm a man in the interesting position of simultaneously possessing what I now understand to be the same underlying psychological variation that motivates some males to become the kind of MtTs that justifiably draw the ire of gender-critical feminists, _and_ hitting peak trans.
+
+The psychologist Ray Blanchard proposed that male-to-female (... -to-"female") transsexuals come in two distinct types. So in one taxon, you have extremely feminine gay males who find they fit into society better women rather than anomalously feminine men. And in the other taxon, you have otherwise-mostly-ordinary men with an unusual sexual interest that Blanchard called _autogynephilia_ ("love of oneself as a woman") wherein they are erotically interested in the idea of having a female body, and over a period of years, gradually build up self-identity feelings around that image. The thing to appreciate here is that it's not _just_ a fetish! It's also a beautiful pure sacred self-identity feeling ... that, yes, happens to almost certainly be _causally related_ to the fetish. ["Men who love women and want to become what they love."](http://www.annelawrence.com/becoming_what_we_love.pdf)
+
+... men like me.
+
+When I encountered the word _autogynephilia_ ten years ago at age 18, I immediately thought, _There's a word for it!_ I was actually surprised that it had been coined in the context of a theory of transsexualism; I wasn't _unhappy with my assigned gender_, because (like many of you) I was something of a gender-abolitionist at the time and didn't think gender roles should exist. It was just ... my happy fantasy. I didn't have any _reason_ to come up with any ludicrous rationalizations that I was somehow _literally_ a girl in some unspecified metaphysical sense.
+
+But the Blanchard taxonomy did not seem to be the standard view, and (I soon learned) people get mad at you when you use the word _autogynephilia_ in a comment section, so I assumed that the _theory_ that autogynephilia could be a root cause of transsexualism was false, while continuing to be grateful that _there was a word_ for the beautiful feeling at the center of my life.
+
+And I spent the next ten years continuing to have the sorts of experiences that I guess pass for "gender dysphoria" (not wanting to identify with maleness or masculinity, prefering to identitfy with women if not femininity, growing a ponytail for symbolic reasons, trying to go by a gender-neutral nickname for a few years, feeling happy when someone assumed I was gay or "ma'am"ed me over the phone, _&c._), all the while thinking that I wasn't one of those people who are like, _actually trans_, because they claim to have gender identities, and I didn't know what a gender identity was supposed to feel like. I was just, you know, one of those guys who are pointedly insistent about not being _proud_ of the fact that they're guys, and who like to fantasize about things being different, all of this being (at a guess) probably related somehow to my erotic fantasies about having magical shapeshifting powers.
+
+... and then, I moved to Berkeley.
+
+I met some _very interesting_ people whom I am _very jealous_ of. I talked to some of them. I did [some reading](https://sillyolme.wordpress.com/faq-on-the-science/). And ... it's starting to look like Blanchard was right. Most _actual trans women_ (MtTs in your terminology) are, in fact, guys like me who were _less self-aware about it_, who had all the same happy romantic fantasies about being a woman and then—somehow—_took them literally_ (!?!).
+
+This revelation has left me with many conflicting feelings.
+
+So, cards on the table: _in itself_, I don't think autogynephilia is a bad thing. I think it's a _good_ thing. I think it's _made me a better person_. (I may not exactly be a _good_ person by radical feminist standards, but I'm probably better than I would have been if I had just been a _normal_ nerdy straight white guy without this obsessive need to identify with women.) I think people _should_ have the freedom to body-mod and choose their pronouns and have that be respected.
+
+But to exercise that freedom responsibly, I think it's important to be _realistic_ about what the underlying psychological mechanisms are, to be _realistic_ about what the existing technology can and cannot do, and to respect the interests of, you know, _actual women_, who might have legimate reasons to want their own sports teams or music festivals without people like me around!
+
+The currently-existing trans rights _Zeitgeist_, insofar as it doesn't even want to admit that autogynephilia is a thing, does not seem realistic to me. I'm kind of upset about this! I've started a blog, [_The Scintillating But Ultimately Untrue Thought_](http://unremediatedgender.space/), where I intend to write about this and other gender issues. If it's alright with you-all, I may want to share some of my future posts on this sub? (I am sympathetic to many of the goals of gender-critical feminism, but am writing from my own idiosyncratic perspective; I am eager to contribute insofar as our interests overlap, but don't want to intrude in spaces where I am not wanted.) I remain,
+
+Critically yours,
+M. Taylor Saotome-Westlake
>
> —[Greg Cochran](https://westhunt.wordpress.com/2015/12/12/internal-contradictions/)
+(The View From Nowhere)
> "The Order of Silent Confessors exists in the hope that, so long as humanity is sane, it can make choices in accordance with its true desires. Thus there is our Order dedicated _only_ to that, and sworn not to interfere in politics. So you will spend more time discussing this scenario, my lords, my ladies, and only then generate solutions. And then ... you will decide."
>
> —[_Three Worlds Collide_](http://lesswrong.com/lw/y6/war_andor_peace_28/) by Eliezer Yudkowsky
+(Collective Guilt, Collective Shame)
> "My taxon, right or wrong; if right, to be kept right; and if wrong, to be set right."
>
> —Carl Shurz (paraphrased)
Blame Me for Trying
core sequence—
+* Collective Debt, Collective Shame (what I wanted to say to /r/GenderCritical, why it didn't work, even if they're not so hostile towards Miranda Yardley or the androphilic MtTs who post)
* Someone Has To Say It
* As Well for a Sheep as a Lamb (polarizing tribal forces—because only bad ppl talk about AGP, you need to be very DGAF about politics in order to not be locked out of the correct explanation—and even then, socialization forces might turn you against your own ppl, something I have to be wary of)
+* The View From Nowhere
* Faster Than Science (if not super-femme, there must be some other reason ...)
* Yes, the Only Real Trans Woman Is a Transitioned Trans Woman (critique of https://medium.com/@jencoates/i-am-a-transwoman-i-am-in-the-closet-i-am-not-coming-out-4c2dd1907e42#.5dlc2qog6)
* Review of Nevada
projects / Ultimately_Untrue_Thought.git / commitdiff