--- /dev/null
+Title: I'm Sick of Being Lied To
+Date: 2017-01-21 19:08
+Category: commentary
+Tags: discourse
+
+> I said, "How do you lie about the world? And how do you make yourself believe it? How can you see the whole truth, _know the whole truth_ ... and go on pretending that none of it matters? What's the secret? What's the trick? _What's the magic?_"
+>
+> My face was already burning white hot, but I leaned forward, hoping that her sheer radiance might infect me with her great transforming insight.
+>
+> "I'm trying! You have to believe I'm trying!" I looked away, suddenly at a loss for words, struck dumb by the ineffable mystery of her presence. Then a cramp seized me; the thing I could no longer pretend was a demon snake constricted inside me.
+>
+> I said, "But when the truth, the underworld, _the TOE_ ... reaches up, takes you in its fist, and _squeezes_ ..." I raised my own hand, meaning to demonstrate, but it was already clenched tight involuntarily. "How do you ignore it? How do you deny it? How do you go on fooling yourself that you've ever stood above it, ever pulled the strings, ever run the show?"
+>
+> Sweat was running into my eyes, blinding me. I brushed it away with my clenched fist, laughing. "When every cell, every fucking _atom_ in your body, burns the message into your skin: everything you value, everything you cherish, everything you live for ... is just the scum on the surface of a vacuum thirty-five powers of ten deep—how do you go on lying? How do you close your eyes to _that_?"
+>
+> I waited for her answer. Solace, redemption, were within my grasp. I held my arms out toward her in supplication.
+>
+> Walsh smiled faintly, then walked on without saying a word.
+>
+> —_Distress_ by Greg Egan
+
+I just can't, can't, _can't_ get over the extent to which my observations while trying to talk to people about all this seem to be best explained by the hypothesis that _everyone is lying_.
+
+I know, that's not psychologically plausible. Which only makes it _worse_. The sheer _depths_ of denial, mendacity, and cowardice from _incredibly_ smart people whom I love and otherwise respect—or _used_ to respect—is just _staggering_; I _would not believe it_ if I didn't see it with my own eyes.
+
+_Disagreement_ is fine! Of course different people will read the evidence differently in the light of their own experiences and knowledge and come to different provisional conclusions.
+
+And in an _honest_ disagreement among truthseeking intellectuals, people say, "You're wrong, and it matters, and we should try to resolve this in public using evidence and reasoning, so that others who are interested in the topic can learn and make up their own minds."
+
+And for the most part, that's just _not what I see_. Instead, people tell me, "You're wrong, _and_ it doesn't matter, _and_ you shouldn't be talking about this." Or, "You might be right, but it doesn't matter." Or, "This makes sense to me, but don't tell anyone I said so." Or, "I disagree, and want to privately discuss the science with you, but if you successfully change my mind, I don't want anyone to know." Or, "I think the consequentialist thing to do is not to tell anyone they're wrong about this topic until the associated political struggle is won."
+
+And I'm just like, _what the fuck is wrong with you people?_ How can it _not matter_?! You guys are _really, really_ smart; how the _fuck_ can you _possibly_ get this wrong?
+
+Okay, yes, politics, it would probably be very bad if the _general public_ knew what was going on. But don't you at least want to understand for _yourselves_? And what's even the endgame here? The next generation of people with the trait are growing up and making important life decisions based on your _shitty political propaganda_. Do you think you can get away with lying about this _forever_?
+
+People who know me can _tell_ that I have the trait; there are enough of us around that people's radars are well-tuned enough to catch the eggs that haven't hit the wall yet. And they tell me, "You obviously have the trait; you should totally join the coalition!"
+
+And I'm like, you _delusional bastards_ have been _blatantly lying to me_ about _the most important thing in my life_ for _ten years_. I want _nothing to do_ with your coalition.
+
+Defect!
+++ /dev/null
-Title: I'm Sick of Being Lied To
-Date: 2020-01-01 18:00
-Category: commentary
-Tags: autogynephilia, discourse
-Status: draft
-
-> I said, "How do you lie about the world? And how do you make yourself believe it? How can you see the whole truth, _know the whole truth_ ... and go on pretending that none of it matters? What's the secret? What's the trick? _What's the magic?_"
->
-> My face was already burning white hot, but I leaned forward, hoping that her sheer radiance might infect me with her great transforming insight.
->
-> "I'm trying! You have to believe I'm trying!" I looked away, suddenly at a loss for words, struck dumb by the ineffable mystery of her presence. Then a cramp seized me; the thing I could no longer pretend was a demon snake constricted inside me.
->
-> I said, "But when the truth, the underworld, _the TOE_ ... reaches up, takes you in its fist, and _squeezes_ ..." I raised my own hand, meaning to demonstrate, but it was already clenched tight involuntarily. "How do you ignore it? How do you deny it? How do you go on fooling yourself that you've ever stood above it, ever pulled the strings, ever run the show?"
->
-> Sweat was running into my eyes, blinding me. I brushed it away with my clenched fist, laughing. "When every cell, every fucking _atom_ in your body, burns the message into your skin: everything you value, everything you cherish, everything you live for ... is just the scum on the surface of a vacuum thirty-five powers of ten deep—how do you go on lying? How do you close your eyes to _that_?"
->
-> I waited for her answer. Solace, redemption, were within my grasp. I held my arms out toward her in supplication.
->
-> Walsh smiled faintly, then walked on without saying a word.
->
-> —_Distress_ by Greg Egan
-
-I just can't, can't, _can't_ get over the extent to which my observations while trying to talk to people about autogynephilia seem to be best explained by the hypothesis that _everyone is lying_.
-
-I know, that's not psychologically plausible. Which only makes it _worse_. The sheer _depths_ of denial, mendacity, and cowardice from incredibly smart people whom I love and otherwise respect—or _used_ to respect—is just _staggering_; I _would not believe it_ if I didn't see it with my own eyes.
-
-People seem to _agree_ that erotic female embodiment fantasies are _very common_ in (non-androphilic, not already behaviorally feminine) males who later choose to transition into being trans women. Some people claim that this is a mere side-effect of, or coping mechanism for dealing with gender dysphoria, the
-
-
-In an honest disagreement, people say, "You're wrong, and it matters, and we should try resolve this in public using evidence and reasoning, so that others who are interested in the matter can learn and make up their own minds."
-
-
-For the most part, that's not what I see. Instead, people say, "You're wrong, _and_ it doesn't matter, _and_ you shouldn't be talking about this." Or, "You might be right, but it doesn't matter." Or, "This makes sense to me, but don't tell anyone I said so." Or, "I disagree, and want to privately discuss the science with you, but if you successfully change my mind, I don't want anyone to know." Or, "
-
-One trans woman told me (paraphrased), [Could someone transition b/c of a fetish? Maybe, but must be very rare]
-
-Another said (paraphrased), [don't talk about AGP, but favorably cites Anne Vitale]
-
-
-What the _fuck_ is wrong with you people?
-
-Yes, this is politically inconvenient.
-
-What is your endgame, anyway?
-
-What's in it for me?
-
-Everyone is lying about the key diagnostic criterion, so people don't _know_ that they're trans, and then people get married
-
-
-bastion of sanity should zero in on the right answer
-
-but I can't, because I know too much
-
-yes, there are gatekeeping incentives, but you could at least _try_ to be truthful within the constraints—is that what Vitale is doing?
-
-
-I get people telling me,
-
-
-No, I am _not_ a trans woman and have _absolutely no interest_ in being a trans woman. Not given currently existing technology, and _especially_ not
-
-I am nothing more and nothing less than a man (adult male human) who wants to know what it feels like to be a woman (adult female human) because of my paraphilic sexual/romantic orientation.
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