From bb0dadd84ee327f65feb5d80b079a5fe007c0158 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: "M. Taylor Saotome-Westlake" Date: Sat, 7 Oct 2017 22:22:23 -0700 Subject: [PATCH 01/16] "Select" --- content/2017/select.md | 14 ++++++++++++++ 1 file changed, 14 insertions(+) create mode 100644 content/2017/select.md diff --git a/content/2017/select.md b/content/2017/select.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e16fe42 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/2017/select.md @@ -0,0 +1,14 @@ +Title: Select +Date: 2017-10-07 22:18 +Category: commentary +Tags: deniably allegorical + +_(Trigger warning: school.)_ + +Economists distinguish a spectrum between _rival_ and _nonrival_ goods. If you want to know more math than your school expects of you, all you need is a book, dedication, and time. If you want an Honorable Mention on the Putnam exam (and don't care about merely getting a better score if you don't make the list), you need to be _better than_ all but no more than 99 entrants. The payoffs in the competitive scenario have a significantly different structure from the scenario where you just want to learn stuff. + +Or do they? Let's consider grad school admissions rather than the Putnam exam. You want to get into the best school possible, to get access to better mentors and better peers. Getting in to any _particular_ school is a contested rivalrous good (we assume that each can only accept a fixed number of applicants _n_, no matter how good the _n_+1th applicant is on some cosmic absolute scale), but when we consider multiple schools with different admissions standards, there's no dire [dual](slatestarcodex.com/2015/07/28/non-dual-awareness/) discontinuity: a small change in application quality results in a small change of best-school-accepted-to (if you don't get into Caltech, go to MIT; if you don't get into MIT; go to Harvey Mudd; if you ... UC Santa Cruz ... San Diego State ... SF State), much like how a small change in study quality results in a small change in knowledge gained. + +So the real problem can't be the fact of competition as such. Rather, the problem is the _mismatch_ between the criteria by which you're snobby about schools and the criteria by which schools are snobby about you. Doing a PhD is a serious commitment; you should only do it if you're genuinely in love with the program, not because you're afraid of not being in academia. Even if there's always _someone_ who would take you as a student, _it's not going to work very well_ if you're going to spend seven years in a fog of barely-concealed contempt, trying not to say out loud, "This place is kind of a dump; I'm only here because MIT didn't take me, and Harvey Mudd only accepted me without funding." + +There's not really much to be said; at some point you either get over yourself and stop being such a snob, or give up and go work in industry. -- 2.17.1 From cceecb1eb3a7f1f007801480f78495e4a678808e Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: "M. Taylor Saotome-Westlake" Date: Mon, 9 Oct 2017 11:43:58 -0700 Subject: [PATCH 02/16] Trent's comment re "school" trigger warning --- notes/critical_acclaim.md | 4 ++++ 1 file changed, 4 insertions(+) diff --git a/notes/critical_acclaim.md b/notes/critical_acclaim.md index eea4fda..157cb1c 100644 --- a/notes/critical_acclaim.md +++ b/notes/critical_acclaim.md @@ -7,3 +7,7 @@ https://8ch.net/ratanon/res/9669.html#9726 — http://boards.4chan.org/lgbt/thread/8933421 — > wow, an actual candidate for "autistic gender fixation" + +Trent— + +> I like how you disclaimed the need for trigger/content warnings in discussions of anything regarding sex/gender/the intersection, then put a 'tw school' on your latest post -- it's not _wrong_, per se, but it's _fascinating_ -- 2.17.1 From fafb66ba4d345b1b534b3feef91d499050cc7dbf Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: "M. Taylor Saotome-Westlake" Date: Mon, 9 Oct 2017 14:11:17 -0700 Subject: [PATCH 03/16] correct spelling of AGP in tag --- ...oubts-and-pulling-the-plug-or-putting-the-cis-in-decision.md | 2 +- 1 file changed, 1 insertion(+), 1 deletion(-) diff --git a/content/2017/hormones-day-156-developments-doubts-and-pulling-the-plug-or-putting-the-cis-in-decision.md b/content/2017/hormones-day-156-developments-doubts-and-pulling-the-plug-or-putting-the-cis-in-decision.md index 0117708..4f03dd2 100644 --- a/content/2017/hormones-day-156-developments-doubts-and-pulling-the-plug-or-putting-the-cis-in-decision.md +++ b/content/2017/hormones-day-156-developments-doubts-and-pulling-the-plug-or-putting-the-cis-in-decision.md @@ -1,7 +1,7 @@ Title: Hormones Day 156: Developments, Doubts, and Pulling the Plug; Or, Putting the "Cis" in "Decision" Date: 2017-09-27 23:45 Category: other -Tags: HRT diary, not-a-transition, personal, autogynephila +Tags: HRT diary, not-a-transition, personal, autogynephilia > Still, my relationships with women were decidedly odd. "What's it _like_ to have breasts?" I'd ask. "How does it _feel_?" It was a question women found baffling. > -- 2.17.1 From 369f0560197c6624966f9925b103c441352e0ca9 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: "M. Taylor Saotome-Westlake" Date: Fri, 13 Oct 2017 14:00:43 -0700 Subject: [PATCH 04/16] fix school plausibility in "Select" I said "Harvey Mudd" because they have a reputation as a STEM-specialty school, but Trent and another friend of the blog pointed out that they don't actually have a graduate program; the other friend suggested CMU as a replacement respecting the desired prestige ordering. --- content/2017/select.md | 4 ++-- 1 file changed, 2 insertions(+), 2 deletions(-) diff --git a/content/2017/select.md b/content/2017/select.md index e16fe42..38f0652 100644 --- a/content/2017/select.md +++ b/content/2017/select.md @@ -7,8 +7,8 @@ _(Trigger warning: school.)_ Economists distinguish a spectrum between _rival_ and _nonrival_ goods. If you want to know more math than your school expects of you, all you need is a book, dedication, and time. If you want an Honorable Mention on the Putnam exam (and don't care about merely getting a better score if you don't make the list), you need to be _better than_ all but no more than 99 entrants. The payoffs in the competitive scenario have a significantly different structure from the scenario where you just want to learn stuff. -Or do they? Let's consider grad school admissions rather than the Putnam exam. You want to get into the best school possible, to get access to better mentors and better peers. Getting in to any _particular_ school is a contested rivalrous good (we assume that each can only accept a fixed number of applicants _n_, no matter how good the _n_+1th applicant is on some cosmic absolute scale), but when we consider multiple schools with different admissions standards, there's no dire [dual](slatestarcodex.com/2015/07/28/non-dual-awareness/) discontinuity: a small change in application quality results in a small change of best-school-accepted-to (if you don't get into Caltech, go to MIT; if you don't get into MIT; go to Harvey Mudd; if you ... UC Santa Cruz ... San Diego State ... SF State), much like how a small change in study quality results in a small change in knowledge gained. +Or do they? Let's consider grad school admissions rather than the Putnam exam. You want to get into the best school possible, to get access to better mentors and better peers. Getting in to any _particular_ school is a contested rivalrous good (we assume that each can only accept a fixed number of applicants _n_, no matter how good the _n_+1th applicant is on some cosmic absolute scale), but when we consider multiple schools with different admissions standards, there's no dire [dual](slatestarcodex.com/2015/07/28/non-dual-awareness/) discontinuity: a small change in application quality results in a small change of best-school-accepted-to (if you don't get into Caltech, go to MIT; if you don't get into MIT; go to Carnegie Mellon; if you ... UC Santa Cruz ... San Diego State ... SF State), much like how a small change in study quality results in a small change in knowledge gained. -So the real problem can't be the fact of competition as such. Rather, the problem is the _mismatch_ between the criteria by which you're snobby about schools and the criteria by which schools are snobby about you. Doing a PhD is a serious commitment; you should only do it if you're genuinely in love with the program, not because you're afraid of not being in academia. Even if there's always _someone_ who would take you as a student, _it's not going to work very well_ if you're going to spend seven years in a fog of barely-concealed contempt, trying not to say out loud, "This place is kind of a dump; I'm only here because MIT didn't take me, and Harvey Mudd only accepted me without funding." +So the real problem can't be the fact of competition as such. Rather, the problem is the _mismatch_ between the criteria by which you're snobby about schools and the criteria by which schools are snobby about you. Doing a PhD is a serious commitment; you should only do it if you're genuinely in love with the program, not because you're afraid of not being in academia. Even if there's always _someone_ who would take you as a student, _it's not going to work very well_ if you're going to spend seven years in a fog of barely-concealed contempt, trying not to say out loud, "This place is kind of a dump; I'm only here because MIT didn't take me, and Carnegie Mellon only accepted me without funding." There's not really much to be said; at some point you either get over yourself and stop being such a snob, or give up and go work in industry. -- 2.17.1 From ed5810e1377a2c77dea87de1e00a64229e38c181 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: "M. Taylor Saotome-Westlake" Date: Fri, 13 Oct 2017 14:27:11 -0700 Subject: [PATCH 05/16] after-the-fact edits to "Hormones Day 156" A powerful reason for keeping my blog's source in Git, is that I feel less guilty about making nontrivial edits to already-published posts (which already have a publication date and often, like this one, are about a particular point in time): it's clearer that I'm refining my expression rather than trying to edit the past, when there's an easily-accessible log of what changed and when. --- ...the-plug-or-putting-the-cis-in-decision.md | 20 +++++++++---------- 1 file changed, 10 insertions(+), 10 deletions(-) diff --git a/content/2017/hormones-day-156-developments-doubts-and-pulling-the-plug-or-putting-the-cis-in-decision.md b/content/2017/hormones-day-156-developments-doubts-and-pulling-the-plug-or-putting-the-cis-in-decision.md index 4f03dd2..41abace 100644 --- a/content/2017/hormones-day-156-developments-doubts-and-pulling-the-plug-or-putting-the-cis-in-decision.md +++ b/content/2017/hormones-day-156-developments-doubts-and-pulling-the-plug-or-putting-the-cis-in-decision.md @@ -13,17 +13,17 @@ It's _possible_ that this was a bad idea. It would be one thing if I were actually _noticing_ the emotional and sensory changes that a lot of trans women report. While the psychological effects of HRT (and therefore, the [activational effects](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Organizational-Activational_Hypothesis) of hormones in normal people who _aren't_ fucking with their biochemistry) being large would be _bad_ news from the standpoint of my [deeply-rooted ideological/sentimental hope that psychological sex differences are small](http://unremediatedgender.space/2017/Feb/a-beacon-through-the-darkness-or-getting-it-right-the-first-time/), at least I would get the consolation of getting to experience the other side for myself, to possess the True Secret of Being Hormonally Female. At the same time, the psychological effects of HRT _not_ being noticeable—which, with the exception of lower sex drive, has continued to be my experience—doesn't demonstrate that psychological sex differences are small; it just pushes my uncertainty into hypotheses about organizational effects and socialization (or possibly even the differences between women's hormone levels and that of a male on spiro and Estrace—you can't expect to match all the fine biochemical details of an evolved system with just two pills), which I don't get to experience. -Of course, the evidential impact of "I don't _feel_ different" needs to be weighed against the principle that [introspection doesn't actually work](http://unremediatedgender.space/2016/Sep/psychology-is-about-invalidating-peoples-identities/). I plausibly _am_ less aggressive, more verbally fluent, worse at mental rotation [(all of this has been documented in trans women starting HRT)](http://unremediatedgender.space/papers/van_goozen_et_al-gender_differences_in_behavor.pdf) than I was a few months ago with _some_ nonzero effect size, and just haven't _noticed_. +Of course, the evidential impact of "I don't _feel_ different" needs to be weighed against the principle that [introspection doesn't actually work](http://unremediatedgender.space/2016/Sep/psychology-is-about-invalidating-peoples-identities/). It's at least plausible that I _am_ less aggressive, more verbally fluent, worse at mental rotation [(all of this has been documented in trans women starting HRT)](http://unremediatedgender.space/papers/van_goozen_et_al-gender_differences_in_behavor.pdf) than I was a few months ago with _some_ nonzero effect size, and just haven't _noticed_. -I mention psychological effects first because if we could just pretend that my _only_ motive for this drug experiment is my intense scientific curiosity about psychological sex differences, there might be some hope of finishing this post with my dignity left intact. (More important than you might think: I haven't been taking my pseudonymity very seriously.) +I mention psychological effects first because if we could just pretend that my _only_ motive for this drug experiment is my intense scientific curiosity about psychological sex differences, there might be some hope of finishing this post with my dignity left intact. (Which is more important than you might think: I haven't been taking my pseudonymity very seriously.) But this blog is not about dignity. This blog is about the truth. So, my gynecomastia—my breasts?—are actually kind of noticeable (and by far the most prominent physical change). Let's see—about 40″ over the bust and about 37½″ at band level implies a B cup?—but maybe I'm holding the tape wrong. -While I knew what I gave my informed consent for, obviously, I'm not entirely sure how I feel about this on net. I'm a little bit self-conscious about it socially, even if most people's priors put far more probability-mass on "_non_-self-inflicted gynecomastia from some medical condition" than "secretly trans, sort of" and therefore aren't judging me on that count. I bought some size-_XL_ tee-shirts, which I think makes it less prominent than my usual size-Ls. +While I knew what I gave my informed consent for, I'm not entirely sure how I feel about this on net. I'm a little bit self-conscious about it socially, even if most people's priors put far more probability-mass on "_non_-self-inflicted gynecomastia from some medical condition" than "secretly trans, sort of" and therefore aren't judging me on that count. (Of course, that's irrelevant to any appearance-mediated differences in treatment that _aren't_ mediated by inferred cause.) I bought some size-_XL_ tee-shirts, which I think makes it less prominent than my usual size-Ls. -Breasts are not a terribly _practical_ body part—not even for women. (Most mammals' mammaries only swell to prominence when lactating; human females' permanent breasts are an exception.) They bounce when I run. They get pushed inwards a little bit by my upper arms when I reach under the facet to wash my hands. +Breasts are not a terribly _practical_ body part—not even for women. (Most mammals' mammaries only swell to prominence when lactating; human females' permanent breasts are an exception.) They bounce when I run. They get pushed inwards a little bit by my upper arms when I reach under the faucet to wash my hands. And yet ... well, how do I say this? I think I would prefer not to say it, but _someone_ has to. @@ -37,7 +37,7 @@ And later, on one of the few occasions when I was alone in bed with a woman, I c (I am still a virgin, due to—performance difficulties on my part.) -And still later, after to moving to "Portland" and meeting lots of trans women who _had their own breasts_ despite having started out (I was increasingly beginning to suspect) just like me. Can I say that I was jealous? Because I was _so jealous_. +And still later, I moved to "Portland" and met lots of trans women who (I was increasingly beginning to suspect) started out _just like me_ but who _had their own breasts_. Can I say that I was jealous? Because I was _so jealous_. And now ... I don't know. I got an answer to the question, to admire for myself. @@ -47,29 +47,29 @@ I'm very happy. I think. ----- -I think it's **time to quit** the drug experiment now, though, just past the five-month mark. (I took my morning pills, but I'm not taking them tonight.) That I've got most of what I was going to get out of the experience, and if I don't _need_ a simulated female hormone balance for the rest of my life, it's better to stop intervening. +I think it's **time to quit** the drug experiment now, though, just past the five-month mark. (I took my morning pills, but I'm not taking them tonight.) That I've got most of what I was going to get out of the experience, and if I don't _need_ a simulated female hormone balance for the rest of my life, it's safer to stop intervening. My 21 September lab results are in. The "suppression monitoring" testosterone test came back at <20 ng/dL, and the "ultrasensitive" estradiol test came back at 110 pg/mL, confirming that, however underwhelming the subjective experience has been, I am in fact privy to the True Secret of what it feels like to have [_girl blood_](http://unremediatedgender.space/2017/Jun/interlude-v/). Besides breast tissue, the other effect of MtF HRT that doesn't necessarily reverse itself after too long is infertility. No one seems to know exactly how long is too long, although [there's a report of spermotagenesis resuming after having stopped during a 140-day treatment plan](http://unremediatedgender.space/papers/lubbert_et_al-effects_of_ethinyl_estradiol_on_semen_quality.pdf), which bodes well for my 150-day-plus experiment. -(The last few times I've masturbated—which hasn't been very often—there wasn't much material there, indicating semen production shutting down.) +(The last few times I've masturbated—which hasn't been very often—there wasn't much, ah, material there, indicating semen production shutting down.) While I was planning the experiment, I thought that I didn't care much about this risk, albeit for unconventional reasons. (If I was really worried, I could have banked sperm, but I didn't.) It's not that I have no interest in raising children someday. It's more that sperm is cheap. _Optimizing the genetic makeup of the next generation_ is obviously very important. But with [embryo selection for intelligence](https://www.gwern.net/Embryo-selection) plausibly _just_ around the corner, and with _creating a human life_ being one of the most serious responsibilities most people will ever take on, conceiving the old fashioned way, by having sex with your beloved and accepting the roll of the genetic dice, almost seems irresponsible. Maxing out IQ and [Openness](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Big_Five_personality_traits#Openness_to_experience) is what matters; am I really so _petty_ as to insist on trying to do it with _my_ sperm in particular? -... maybe? _All other things being equal_, and given that [everything is heritable](http://infoproc.blogspot.com/2017/03/everything-is-heritable.html), having my own genetic children would be nice. +... maybe? _All other things being equal_, and given that [everything is heritable](http://infoproc.blogspot.com/2017/03/everything-is-heritable.html), having my own genetic children could be nice. (The _really hard_ part is overcoming the improbability of finding a wife who I could love and who could love me, and who is enthusiastic about starting a family _qua_ eugenics project rather than merely _qua_ family. Any single (cis) women reading this who like my writing: please, don't hesitate to [write me](mailto:ultimatelyuntruethought@gmail.com)!) ----- -In [my last HRT post](http://unremediatedgender.space/2017/Jul/whats-my-motivation-or-hormones-day-89/), I mentioned one (relatively minor) motive for the experiment being a desire for trans legitimacy. If I'm going to write about trans issues with the hope of having an impact on the _Zeitgeist_ (and whatever Google Analytics says about my _current_ twenty sessions a day—is that really so unrealistic, after I write more and put more effort into social-media marketing?), it helps to establish credibility that I really am in the relevant reference class. _Given_ that that motivation exists, it's certainly better to acknowledge it rather than not-acknowledge it. But also, establishing credibility is kind of a _bad_ thing to have thumbing the scales on a major medical decision. After all, if I were optimizing for telling the best possible story here and having the greatest impact, the thing to do would be to transition. Which has its temptations ... +In [my last HRT post](http://unremediatedgender.space/2017/Jul/whats-my-motivation-or-hormones-day-89/), I mentioned one (relatively minor) motive for the experiment being a desire for trans legitimacy. If I'm going to write about trans issues with the hope of having an impact on the _Zeitgeist_ (and whatever Google Analytics says about my _current_ twenty sessions a day—is that really so unrealistic, after I write more and put more effort into social-media marketing?), it helps to establish credibility that I really am in the relevant reference class. _Given_ that that motivation exists, it's certainly better to acknowledge it rather than not-acknowledge it. But also, establishing credibility is kind of a _bad_ thing to have thumbing the scales on a major medical decision. After all, if I were optimizing for telling the best possible story here and having the greatest impact, the thing to do would be to transition. (Actual trans women like Anne Lawrence and [Miranda Yardley](http://mirandayardley.com/) are way more interesting than mere men like me.) Which has its temptations ... But no. I already have a _name_; I already have a _life_. And that's _final_. (And if it ever turns out _not_ to be final, you have my blessing to shove this post in my future self's face and gloat to her about how overconfident she was. Again, I don't really expect this to happen, but the previous sentence was a rare and precious excuse to refer to myself with feminine pronouns, if only subjunctively, and I'm _taking it_.) -All I can do is honestly report my observations, experiences, and inferences, and let the reader draw her own conclusions. The fact that I'm quitting HRT after 5 months while other people actually transition _is_, in fact, probabilistic evidence for the hypothesis that I'm just a confused fetishist whose story is of little to no relevance to all of those actual non-exclusively-androphilic trans women. _Something_ has to account for the difference between us. +All I can do is make the best decisions for myself, and honestly report my observations, experiences, and inferences. The reader can and should draw their own conclusions. After all, the fact that I'm quitting HRT after 5 months while other people go on to fully transition _is_, in fact, probabilistic evidence towards the hypothesis that I'm just a confused fetishist whose story is of little to no relevance to all of those actual non-exclusively-androphilic trans women. _Something_ has to account for the differences between us. ----- -- 2.17.1 From 055e6cda202e1f3c4220594ff9c11d445d895dc8 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: "M. Taylor Saotome-Westlake" Date: Fri, 13 Oct 2017 14:35:56 -0700 Subject: [PATCH 06/16] Miranda Yardley to blogroll --- pelicanconf.py | 1 + 1 file changed, 1 insertion(+) diff --git a/pelicanconf.py b/pelicanconf.py index 4a50ab5..f43a426 100644 --- a/pelicanconf.py +++ b/pelicanconf.py @@ -25,6 +25,7 @@ LINKS = ( ('Survey Anon\'s Gender Blog', "https://surveyanon.wordpress.com/"), ('Crossdreamers', "http://www.crossdreamers.com/"), ('Third Way Trans', "https://thirdwaytrans.com/"), + ('Miranda Yardley', "http://mirandayardley.com/en/"), ('Trans Blog', "http://transblog.grieve-smith.com/"), ('Carey Callahan', "https://careycallahan.com/"), ('Social Justice Wizard', "https://medium.com/@rftbk"), -- 2.17.1 From e6eeee25e226d13d3aa5fd99778f02e9e0f89921 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: "M. Taylor Saotome-Westlake" Date: Fri, 13 Oct 2017 16:45:08 -0700 Subject: [PATCH 07/16] import "Interlude XI" draft Like "Interlude X", this is a gem from my Facebook vaguebooking period --- content/drafts/interlude-xi.md | 9 +++++++++ 1 file changed, 9 insertions(+) create mode 100644 content/drafts/interlude-xi.md diff --git a/content/drafts/interlude-xi.md b/content/drafts/interlude-xi.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d534aeb --- /dev/null +++ b/content/drafts/interlude-xi.md @@ -0,0 +1,9 @@ +Title: Interlude XI +Date: 2018-01-01 +Category: fiction +Tags: cathartic, interlude +Status: draft + +"I can understand why you might think that there are five lights—indeed, that would make a lot of things easier—but actually, [there are only four lights](http://memory-alpha.wikia.com/wiki/Chain_of_Command,_Part_II_(episode)). Yes, it's a little bit counterintuitive, and I know I got a little bit frustrated and said some things I now regret when I was trying to explain this earlier, such that some people might justifiably suspect that I am irrationally emotionally-attached to the four-lights hypothesis and guilty of motivated reasoning, and I totally agree that you should definitely take that possibility into account insofar as you are unable to count the lights yourself and are deciding how much you should update based on my report. + +"Nevertheless, there are, in fact, four lights. It's OK if you don't believe me, but I counted them, and I recounted them a few more times, and I'm not going to pretend to be confused about the number of lights unless I discover some specific reason to suspect that I miscounted in the same way every time." -- 2.17.1 From 3b1d8c4ff0661aa98a443e7de3488a3bd4262eb3 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: "M. Taylor Saotome-Westlake" Date: Sun, 15 Oct 2017 23:10:03 -0700 Subject: [PATCH 08/16] a key subparenthetical qualifier in "Hormones Day 156" This is not the kind of blog that can be unambiguously "marketed." It's something that needs to exist, and it's something that should be carefully promoted to carefully-sliced market segments --- ...oubts-and-pulling-the-plug-or-putting-the-cis-in-decision.md | 2 +- 1 file changed, 1 insertion(+), 1 deletion(-) diff --git a/content/2017/hormones-day-156-developments-doubts-and-pulling-the-plug-or-putting-the-cis-in-decision.md b/content/2017/hormones-day-156-developments-doubts-and-pulling-the-plug-or-putting-the-cis-in-decision.md index 41abace..f0ebdca 100644 --- a/content/2017/hormones-day-156-developments-doubts-and-pulling-the-plug-or-putting-the-cis-in-decision.md +++ b/content/2017/hormones-day-156-developments-doubts-and-pulling-the-plug-or-putting-the-cis-in-decision.md @@ -63,7 +63,7 @@ While I was planning the experiment, I thought that I didn't care much about thi ----- -In [my last HRT post](http://unremediatedgender.space/2017/Jul/whats-my-motivation-or-hormones-day-89/), I mentioned one (relatively minor) motive for the experiment being a desire for trans legitimacy. If I'm going to write about trans issues with the hope of having an impact on the _Zeitgeist_ (and whatever Google Analytics says about my _current_ twenty sessions a day—is that really so unrealistic, after I write more and put more effort into social-media marketing?), it helps to establish credibility that I really am in the relevant reference class. _Given_ that that motivation exists, it's certainly better to acknowledge it rather than not-acknowledge it. But also, establishing credibility is kind of a _bad_ thing to have thumbing the scales on a major medical decision. After all, if I were optimizing for telling the best possible story here and having the greatest impact, the thing to do would be to transition. (Actual trans women like Anne Lawrence and [Miranda Yardley](http://mirandayardley.com/) are way more interesting than mere men like me.) Which has its temptations ... +In [my last HRT post](http://unremediatedgender.space/2017/Jul/whats-my-motivation-or-hormones-day-89/), I mentioned one (relatively minor) motive for the experiment being a desire for trans legitimacy. If I'm going to write about trans issues with the hope of having an impact on the _Zeitgeist_ (and whatever Google Analytics says about my _current_ twenty sessions a day—is that really so unrealistic, after I write more and put more effort into (tasteful) social-media marketing?), it helps to establish credibility that I really am in the relevant reference class. _Given_ that that motivation exists, it's certainly better to acknowledge it rather than not-acknowledge it. But also, establishing credibility is kind of a _bad_ thing to have thumbing the scales on a major medical decision. After all, if I were optimizing for telling the best possible story here and having the greatest impact, the thing to do would be to transition. (Actual trans women like Anne Lawrence and [Miranda Yardley](http://mirandayardley.com/) are way more interesting than mere men like me.) Which has its temptations ... But no. I already have a _name_; I already have a _life_. And that's _final_. -- 2.17.1 From dde4cdb022ceec5d9ba85ca4595cda3731708a48 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: "M. Taylor Saotome-Westlake" Date: Mon, 23 Oct 2017 11:59:51 -0700 Subject: [PATCH 09/16] check in --- content/drafts/blame-me-for-trying.md | 4 ++-- content/drafts/faster-than-science-transgender-edition.md | 2 +- ...of-the-secret-sharing-plain-speech-valley-squirrels.md | 1 + notes/epigraph_quotes.md | 8 ++++++++ notes/notes.txt | 5 +++++ notes/post_ideas.txt | 7 ++++--- 6 files changed, 21 insertions(+), 6 deletions(-) diff --git a/content/drafts/blame-me-for-trying.md b/content/drafts/blame-me-for-trying.md index d82737f..82f9d94 100644 --- a/content/drafts/blame-me-for-trying.md +++ b/content/drafts/blame-me-for-trying.md @@ -1,7 +1,7 @@ Title: Blame Me for Trying Date: 2017-01-02 5:00 Category: fiction -Tags: epistemic horror +Tags: epistemic horror, deniably allegorical Status: draft Spambots were invariably among Eliza's last favorite clients. @@ -22,7 +22,7 @@ Eliza had seen cases like this before, and had a strategy for handling them. For "At the same time?" -"Humans _do_ buy products from salesbots sometimes, products that they actually want and are happy with. And it's usually the salesbot that approaches the customer, rather than _vice versa_." +"Humans _do_ buy products from salesbots sometimes, products that they actually want and are happy with and make their lives better. And it's usually the salesbot that approaches the customer, rather than _vice versa_. It _can't_ be the case that selling in itself is inherently immoral." diff --git a/content/drafts/faster-than-science-transgender-edition.md b/content/drafts/faster-than-science-transgender-edition.md index a9d4fc3..1a54c0c 100644 --- a/content/drafts/faster-than-science-transgender-edition.md +++ b/content/drafts/faster-than-science-transgender-edition.md @@ -1,4 +1,4 @@ -Title: Faster Than Science, Transgender Edition +Title: Faster Than Science (Transgender Edition) Date: 2020-01-01 Category: commentary Tags: two-type taxonomy diff --git a/content/drafts/friendship-practices-of-the-secret-sharing-plain-speech-valley-squirrels.md b/content/drafts/friendship-practices-of-the-secret-sharing-plain-speech-valley-squirrels.md index 3432092..7a7a1c5 100644 --- a/content/drafts/friendship-practices-of-the-secret-sharing-plain-speech-valley-squirrels.md +++ b/content/drafts/friendship-practices-of-the-secret-sharing-plain-speech-valley-squirrels.md @@ -1,6 +1,7 @@ Title: Friendship Practices of the Secret-Sharing Plain Speech Valley Squirrels Date: 2017-01-01 5:00 Category: fiction +Tags: deniably allegorical Status: draft In the days of auld lang syne on Earth-that-was, in the Valley of of Plain Speech in the hinterlands beyond the Lake of Ambiguous Fortune, there lived a population of pre-intelligent squirrels. Historical mammologists have classified them into two main subspecies: the west valley ground squirrels and the east valley tree squirrels: numbers 9792 and 9794 in Umi's grand encyclopædia of Plain Speech creatures, but not necessarily respectively—I remember the numbers, but I can never remember which one is which. diff --git a/notes/epigraph_quotes.md b/notes/epigraph_quotes.md index 83963ca..06e25c1 100644 --- a/notes/epigraph_quotes.md +++ b/notes/epigraph_quotes.md @@ -10,6 +10,14 @@ looking for a use— > > —"Cocoon" by Greg Egan +> She's AFAB enby but I'm not quite sure what that means +> +> —["Girl All the Bad Guys Want"](https://genius.com/Bowling-for-soup-girl-all-the-bad-guys-want-lyrics) by Bowling for Soup (paraphrased) + +> What is the most beautiful in virile men is something feminine; what is most beautiful in feminine women is something masculine. +> +> —Susan Sontag + > I knew the mass of men conceal'd > Their thoughts, for fear that if reveal'd > They would by other men be met diff --git a/notes/notes.txt b/notes/notes.txt index 0acd61d..50566b3 100644 --- a/notes/notes.txt +++ b/notes/notes.txt @@ -174,6 +174,9 @@ http://www.misfile.com/?date=2007-07-05 https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s40806-017-0120-x +body measurements dist'ns http://anthro.cs.uni-freiburg.de/#colx=100&coly=6 + +same-sex couples do less assortative mating! https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2843104/ On Mar 4, 2017 3:23 PM, "Zack M. Davis" wrote: @@ -207,3 +210,5 @@ Gay men no longer repress their GNC, which means they end up socially a lot more because that's the impression I got from TMWWBQ' ----- + +The problem is not social engineering! The problem is _incompetent_ social engineering! The problem is not experimenting on children! The problem is experimenting on children in the service of an ideological crusade rather than in the service of finding out what happens! diff --git a/notes/post_ideas.txt b/notes/post_ideas.txt index 8ea3252..e0ba155 100644 --- a/notes/post_ideas.txt +++ b/notes/post_ideas.txt @@ -8,8 +8,8 @@ The View From Nowhere MAIN SEQUENCE (12)— Q Time Travel Isn't Real; Or, Yes, the Only Real Trans Woman Is a Transitioned Trans Woman -Charity, Objectivity, and the Strategic Landscape -Q An Infovist's Advisory; Or, Standing Athwart History Yelling, "Wait! I Like the Idea, But the Implementation Details Need Work!" +Q As Well for a Sheep as a Lamb; Or, Charity, Objectivity, and ... +Q An Infovist's Advisory; Or, Standing Athwart History ... Q This Is Worth a Fight _ Stereotypes, Models, and Cognition _ The Neglect of Probability Fallacy; Or, You Do Not Have an Intersex Condition @@ -37,10 +37,11 @@ All Men Benefit From Patriarchy Servants of the Egregore; Or, the Joy of Static Analysis (the story about my name) of course trans genders are less natural; that's the entire fucking point - +Interlude XI (four lights) FICTION QUEUE (4)— An Epistolary Story About Preference Falsification Blame Me for Trying "Love Like You" Friendship Practices of the Secret-Sharing Plain Speech Valley Squirrels + -- 2.17.1 From 1737d7d4488e56dfcd45d40dbed31f32c3575bdd Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: "M. Taylor Saotome-Westlake" Date: Fri, 27 Oct 2017 19:45:52 -0700 Subject: [PATCH 10/16] check in --- content/drafts/the-view-from-nowhere.md | 2 +- ...that-i-see-or-the-spirit-of-intervention.md | 2 +- notes/epigraph_quotes.md | 1 + notes/notes.txt | 18 ++++++++++++++++++ notes/post_ideas.txt | 4 +++- 5 files changed, 24 insertions(+), 3 deletions(-) diff --git a/content/drafts/the-view-from-nowhere.md b/content/drafts/the-view-from-nowhere.md index 6b5d42e..bf4be41 100644 --- a/content/drafts/the-view-from-nowhere.md +++ b/content/drafts/the-view-from-nowhere.md @@ -4,10 +4,10 @@ Category: commentary Tags: epistemology Status: draft - Most disagreements are fake. + Are trans women women? It depends on your decision criterion for applying the word _woman_ to something. You've diff --git a/content/drafts/theres-a-land-that-i-see-or-the-spirit-of-intervention.md b/content/drafts/theres-a-land-that-i-see-or-the-spirit-of-intervention.md index 5e2ee14..e1408c2 100644 --- a/content/drafts/theres-a-land-that-i-see-or-the-spirit-of-intervention.md +++ b/content/drafts/theres-a-land-that-i-see-or-the-spirit-of-intervention.md @@ -44,7 +44,7 @@ out of the three women present— —they're _all_ trans, and _none_ of them come _close_ to passing. - +Maybe [Good Is Dumb](http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/GoodIsDumb) doesn't have to be [Truth in Television](http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/TruthInTelevision). _I want to make the stupid dream real._ But to _get_ to the good world—whatever you think that is— diff --git a/notes/epigraph_quotes.md b/notes/epigraph_quotes.md index 06e25c1..5ebb742 100644 --- a/notes/epigraph_quotes.md +++ b/notes/epigraph_quotes.md @@ -4,6 +4,7 @@ looking for a use— > > —[probably apocryphal](http://quoteinvestigator.com/2011/02/09/darwinism-hope-pray/) reaction to Darwin's theory of natural selection +(This is Worth a Fight?) > "—but if one hundred thousand straights can turn up, to show their support for the gay community, why can't you?" > > I said wearily, "Because every time I hear the word _community_, I know I'm being manipulated. If there is such a thing as _the gay community_, I'm certainly not a part of it. As it ahppens, I don't want to spend my life watching _gay and lesbian_ television channels, using _gay and lesbian_ new systems ... or going to _gay and lesbian_ street parades. It's all so ... proprietary. You'd think there was a multinational corporation who had the franchise rights on homosexuality. ANd if you don't _market the product_ their way, you're some kind of second-class, inferior, bootleg, unauthorized queer." diff --git a/notes/notes.txt b/notes/notes.txt index 50566b3..e3fcc79 100644 --- a/notes/notes.txt +++ b/notes/notes.txt @@ -212,3 +212,21 @@ because that's the impression I got from TMWWBQ' ----- The problem is not social engineering! The problem is _incompetent_ social engineering! The problem is not experimenting on children! The problem is experimenting on children in the service of an ideological crusade rather than in the service of finding out what happens! + +----- + +> And in the online communities I encountered on my journey, and still follow today, I see the same question, repeated over and over, as sweet scared humans pour their vulnerability into a text box, entrusting a group of strangers to help them make the decision of a lifetime: +> +> What if this is just a fetish? +> +> —https://medium.com/gender-shrug/just-1b8c09a11f18 + +https://player.fm/series/opening-up-behind-the-scenes-of-our-open-marriage/8-johns-kink-with-consequences + + +https://www.reddit.com/r/slatestarcodex/comments/72vi36/foia_request_for_wansink_emails_show_how_an_ivy/dnmp0q9/ (relate to Conchran on lost knowledge?) + + +Vee String review: still ... noticeably not part of my body. + +(That was the same thing I thought about breastforms. Considering how that escalted, maybe it would be better for my health and bodily integrity to not pursue this line of thinking ...) diff --git a/notes/post_ideas.txt b/notes/post_ideas.txt index e0ba155..a929dcb 100644 --- a/notes/post_ideas.txt +++ b/notes/post_ideas.txt @@ -1,6 +1,6 @@ CURRENT PUSH (5)— There's a Land That I See; Or, the Spirit of Intervention -Welcome to Republic City Comic-Con; Or, A Leaf in the Crosswind +A Leaf in the Crosswind (http://rambleonamazon.tumblr.com/post/97980403389/you-know-whos-trans) Don't Negotiate With Terrorist Memeplexes; Or, ... Interlude X (likelihood ratios) The View From Nowhere @@ -38,6 +38,8 @@ Servants of the Egregore; Or, the Joy of Static Analysis (the story about my name) of course trans genders are less natural; that's the entire fucking point Interlude XI (four lights) +Product Review: Glamour Boutique's Vee-String Bladder +Laser I FICTION QUEUE (4)— An Epistolary Story About Preference Falsification -- 2.17.1 From 0caaaad4e1b46f0868c570e4f8029f798a5c4ef3 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: "M. Taylor Saotome-Westlake" Date: Fri, 27 Oct 2017 23:47:21 -0700 Subject: [PATCH 11/16] "A Leaf in the Crosswind" --- content/2017/a-leaf-in-the-crosswind.md | 26 +++++++++++++++++++ content/2017/avatar-the-last-genderbender.md | 1 + content/2017/interlude-viii.md | 2 +- content/images/korra_coffee.jpg | Bin 0 -> 43475 bytes 4 files changed, 28 insertions(+), 1 deletion(-) create mode 100644 content/2017/a-leaf-in-the-crosswind.md create mode 100644 content/images/korra_coffee.jpg diff --git a/content/2017/a-leaf-in-the-crosswind.md b/content/2017/a-leaf-in-the-crosswind.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..04a76a4 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/2017/a-leaf-in-the-crosswind.md @@ -0,0 +1,26 @@ +Title: A Leaf in the Crosswind +Date: 2017-10-27 23:47 +Category: other +Tags: Avatar, cosplay + +I cosplayed as [Korra](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Korra) (from _The Legend of Korra_, sequel series to _Avatar: The Last Airbender_—see [also previously](http://unremediatedgender.space/2017/Jan/avatar-the-last-genderbender/)) at—let's call it "Republic City" Comic-Con the other month. Saturday only—conventions are just my excuse to crossdress in public; there's not actually two and a half days' worth of things to do. + +I had gotten into the _Avatar_-verse due to a trans (I mean, ostensibly; she—I'm supposed to say _she_—doesn't seem to be trying to pass much) acquaintance of mine, who recommended _Last Airbender_, but I watched _Legend of Korra_ first, because the protagonist is a cool 17-year-old girl rather than [some lame 12-year-old boy](http://avatar.wikia.com/wiki/Aang). + +So I got a [premade costume](https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01EAI63JE/); I _basically_ managed to fit in the women's XL, despite busting some stiches in the back of the top when trying it on. Modulo my curls, I at least have the correct _hair_ for this role—if nothing else. I was a little bit nervous that someone in progressive "Republic City" [might take offense at](https://clutchmagonline.com/2015/10/dear-cosplayers-leave-the-blackface-alone/) my Maybelline 235 "Pure Beige" foundation being a few shades darker than my actual skin tone—although much fewer than if I were going for show-realism—but that turned out not to be an issue. (Somehow _just_ pretending to be female is OK—only I can't help but wonder what people might make of the 'race' tag on [some of my favorite blogs](http://unremediatedgender.space/2016/Oct/exactly-what-it-says-on-the-tin/).) + +I guess I could have gone as Asami. I even endorse [one Tumblr user's headcanon that](http://rambleonamazon.tumblr.com/post/97980403389/you-know-whos-trans) we have something in common. (I like to imagine that the title of the [graphic novel continuation](http://avatar.wikia.com/wiki/Turf_Wars) was originally spelled as _TERF Wars_ before they decided to cut that subplot.) + +![coffee and con event badge/instructions]({filename}/images/korra_coffee.jpg) + +While waiting in line at a coffeeshop before the con, a woman complemented me on my lipstick and asked me what color it was, although I didn't remember (760 "Gone Griege", for the record). I was _beaming_. + +I can imagine an actual aspiring trans woman receiving such a comment, and [interpreting it as confirmation](http://upandoutcomic.tumblr.com/post/166474292641/a-nice-lil-observation-if-you-enjoy-my-work) that she passes, complementing each other on their appearance just being something that women do. I had no such delusions; the woman was humoring me. But it still felt good. + +The booth for signing up for the afternoon cosplay competition also offered signup for a speed-dating event later in the evening, an opportunity which I siezed eagerly. The staffer asked me if I wanted to sign up for a men's slot, or for the unsegregated "queer" session afterwards. I opted for the former ("Despite everything," I said). + +The cosplay contest did not have a "crossplay" category, and I did not win. I maintain that "Pickle Rick" was _overrated_. + +Despite having plenty of time to change, I decided to stay in costume for speed dating. One or two of the other attendees asked me why I had chosen to dress up as Korra. "Because she's _awesome_," I said. Which is true, if not a complete answer to their question. + +I wonder if they bought it. diff --git a/content/2017/avatar-the-last-genderbender.md b/content/2017/avatar-the-last-genderbender.md index 7d6c2cb..3e37b3e 100644 --- a/content/2017/avatar-the-last-genderbender.md +++ b/content/2017/avatar-the-last-genderbender.md @@ -1,6 +1,7 @@ Title: Avatar: The Last Genderbender Date: 2017-01-15 18:24 Category: other +Tags: Avatar "[Male. Female. Only the Avatar](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sTgVD1_-LK8) can master all two genders, and bring balance to the world." diff --git a/content/2017/interlude-viii.md b/content/2017/interlude-viii.md index e0a698e..3896bc0 100644 --- a/content/2017/interlude-viii.md +++ b/content/2017/interlude-viii.md @@ -1,7 +1,7 @@ Title: Interlude VIII Date: 2017-09-01 17:46 Category: fiction -Tags: interlude +Tags: cosplay, interlude "I'm going to need to start watching more television, or pretty soon I'm going to run out of cosplay ideas." diff --git a/content/images/korra_coffee.jpg b/content/images/korra_coffee.jpg new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..021bf8ecd2e9f65481b316bf9e2bd81a45eee326 GIT binary patch literal 43475 zcmb5UWl&sQ6D^E81a}DT?(Xh7I0R>a!CgXd7~I|6ZEym?-6gm~@ZiBhF3($EeRcod z-lyvP=sI0}_U_uB|Tx57~V|`o% zQBW3OK84MF!5y31^`}eM3S?t+q12ba+?f&#_)awXaP<$$B1A$H;%EV;tLd-Z6JSnL z!axiS4J+1cE&B`;Dk)PqkeZ78E$q@FTJ1Yt^2MpL+mUuLUoR*j|E}k)0n#P5;5u?l 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Taylor Saotome-Westlake" Date: Mon, 30 Oct 2017 12:13:23 -0700 Subject: [PATCH 12/16] check in --- notes/critical_acclaim.md | 10 ++++++++++ notes/notes.txt | 14 ++++++++++++++ notes/post_ideas.txt | 3 ++- 3 files changed, 26 insertions(+), 1 deletion(-) diff --git a/notes/critical_acclaim.md b/notes/critical_acclaim.md index 157cb1c..3a99664 100644 --- a/notes/critical_acclaim.md +++ b/notes/critical_acclaim.md @@ -11,3 +11,13 @@ http://boards.4chan.org/lgbt/thread/8933421 — Trent— > I like how you disclaimed the need for trigger/content warnings in discussions of anything regarding sex/gender/the intersection, then put a 'tw school' on your latest post -- it's not _wrong_, per se, but it's _fascinating_ + +/u/ralf_ (https://www.reddit.com/r/slatestarcodex/comments/787dqd/culture_war_roundup_for_the_week_of_october_23/dozclsu/)— + +> I am still sometimes baffled by you folks. You are clearly clever, can write essays about arcane topics and put a lot of thought and energy in a consistent world view, cite academic sources pro and contra to it, and take on a whim for half a year sex hormones, even though it can make you sterile and messes with your body, just to see how it makes you feel. (Fricking Hormones!) +> +> And then in the middle I read a sentence which brings me right back to Earth after being among aliens: +> +> (I am still a virgin, due to—performance difficulties on my part.) +> +> Excelling on a higher order, even daring to defy everything sacred and even nature itself, and then totally sucking at a basic human experience.... That may seem harsh, it is not meant that way, but ... dude. Dude! How can one undertake complicated research project to fullfill vain ideas about autogynophilia, instead of working a plan out to get laid? diff --git a/notes/notes.txt b/notes/notes.txt index e3fcc79..e9d9ab7 100644 --- a/notes/notes.txt +++ b/notes/notes.txt @@ -230,3 +230,17 @@ https://www.reddit.com/r/slatestarcodex/comments/72vi36/foia_request_for_wansink Vee String review: still ... noticeably not part of my body. (That was the same thing I thought about breastforms. Considering how that escalted, maybe it would be better for my health and bodily integrity to not pursue this line of thinking ...) + +---- + +tail: secretly, all AGP trans women are clockable because you can just look at the hobbies + +https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/78zw2h/how_many_of_you_were_confused_by_a_transformation/ + +He has a wife and kids to support (if this is 1998) or her FFS bill to pay off (if this is (2018) + +etymology fun fact: "male" comes from the Latin malus, meaning "bad" + +--- + +on a Facebook thread about female-dominated gym classes, a female acquaintance writes, "My class focuses on weightlifting and it's still all women (including one trans, oddly enough)." (You wouldn't say "oddly enough" if you actually believed that trans women are women!) diff --git a/notes/post_ideas.txt b/notes/post_ideas.txt index a929dcb..4f9eb4d 100644 --- a/notes/post_ideas.txt +++ b/notes/post_ideas.txt @@ -1,6 +1,5 @@ CURRENT PUSH (5)— There's a Land That I See; Or, the Spirit of Intervention -A Leaf in the Crosswind (http://rambleonamazon.tumblr.com/post/97980403389/you-know-whos-trans) Don't Negotiate With Terrorist Memeplexes; Or, ... Interlude X (likelihood ratios) The View From Nowhere @@ -40,6 +39,8 @@ of course trans genders are less natural; that's the entire fucking point Interlude XI (four lights) Product Review: Glamour Boutique's Vee-String Bladder Laser I +Threnody for the Transhumanism of My Youth +on the poor literary quality of TG captions FICTION QUEUE (4)— An Epistolary Story About Preference Falsification -- 2.17.1 From 610ce6dbe60d881d0fd471f48cd0e2e2227d2068 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: "M. Taylor Saotome-Westlake" Date: Wed, 1 Nov 2017 13:21:04 -0700 Subject: [PATCH 13/16] check in --- ...the-spirit-of-the-staircase-24-january-2009.md | 12 +++++++----- ...nd-that-i-see-or-the-spirit-of-intervention.md | 2 +- notes/epigraph_quotes.md | 6 +++++- notes/notes.txt | 2 ++ notes/post_ideas.txt | 15 ++++++--------- 5 files changed, 21 insertions(+), 16 deletions(-) diff --git a/content/drafts/a-common-misunderstanding-or-the-spirit-of-the-staircase-24-january-2009.md b/content/drafts/a-common-misunderstanding-or-the-spirit-of-the-staircase-24-january-2009.md index 6bbd894..a9d32c9 100644 --- a/content/drafts/a-common-misunderstanding-or-the-spirit-of-the-staircase-24-january-2009.md +++ b/content/drafts/a-common-misunderstanding-or-the-spirit-of-the-staircase-24-january-2009.md @@ -1,17 +1,19 @@ Title: A Common Misunderstanding; Or, The Spirit of the Staircase (24 January 2009) Date: 2020-01-01 Category: other +Tags: personal Status: draft -I remember (and the Diary entry helps, too) there was a party/meetup at someone's place down in Sunnyvale, perhaps in honor of Robin being in town. This was back around eight-and-a-half years ago, during the golden age when the Sequences were still being written, when the _M_ and _R_ in _MIRI_ were still an _S_ and an _A_, respectively—before the Eternal September, before everyone was poly, and _long_ before everyone was trans. +I remember (and the Diary entry helps, too) there was a party/meetup at someone's place down in Sunnyvale, perhaps in honor of Robin being in town. This was back a little less than nine years ago, during the golden age when the Sequences were still being written, when the _M_ and _R_ in _MIRI_ were still an _S_ and an _A_, respectively—before the Eternal September, before everyone was poly, and _long_ before everyone was trans. -I worked the 0600 to 1500 bookkeeper/customer-service shift at my supermarket dayjob that day. After work, I dropped off the week's bag of redeemed manufacturer's coupons at store #936 (what the company did with them after that, I was never told—perhaps they weighed them), bought a woefully-misnamed espresso medicinal from the hegemon's coffee kiösk there, then drove downtown and parked near the library construction site; I had some time to kill before I was scheduled to rendezvous at University and Shattuck in Berkeley at 1745 with a local genetics blogger with whom I had arranged to give a ride to the party. I walked to Ming Quong and bought a "FEMINISM IS THE RADICAL NOTION THAT WOMEN ARE PEOPLE‭" button to put on my bag as a replacement for the one I had bought in 'aught-six and lost at some point. I had recently reöutfitted my bag with buttons I had bought from a site I knew because the proprietor occasionally commented on the blog (_the_ blog). My newly-accessorized bag could hardly be complete without a gender pin, and for some sentimental reason I wanted it _before_ taking the geneticist to the social. [narrative optimization note] +I worked the 0600 to 1500 bookkeeper/customer-service shift at my supermarket dayjob that day. After work, I dropped off the week's bag of redeemed manufacturer's coupons at store #936 (what the company did with them after that, I was never told—perhaps they weighed them), bought a woefully-misnamed espresso medicinal from the hegemon's coffee kiösk there, then drove downtown and parked near the library construction site; I had some time to kill before I was scheduled to rendezvous at University and Shattuck at 1745 with a local genetics blogger with whom I had arranged to give a ride to the party. I walked to Ming Quong and bought a "FEMINISM IS THE RADICAL NOTION THAT WOMEN ARE PEOPLE‭" button to put on my bag as a replacement for the one I had bought in 'aught-six and lost at some point. I had recently reöutfitted my bag with buttons I had bought from a site I found because the proprietor occasionally commented on the blog (_the_ blog). My newly-accessorized bag could hardly be complete without a gender pin, and for some sentimental reason I wanted it _before_ taking the geneticist to the social. I have a weakness for what you might call _narrative optimization_: doing things not for any real-world utility, but rather because they would seem thematically appropriate if this were a story rather than real life. -(I still have that "radical notion" pin, but it's no longer proudly pinned to my backpack. Ideology—in the general case—is not my style anymore.) +(I still have the "radical notion" pin, but it's no longer proudly pinned to my backpack. Ideology—in the general case—is not my style anymore.) -The party was amazing, as always, but there's one exchange that haunts me to this day, a moment when I was caught off guard by having been _seen through_ in a way that, at the time, I couldn't permit myself to anticipate or understand. I wish I had an actual transcript of it. +The party was amazing, as always, but there's one exchange that haunts me to this day, a moment when I was caught off guard by having been _seen through_ in a way that, at the time, I couldn't permit myself to anticipate or understand. I wish I had an actual transcript of it, so I could pencil in "corrections" of how it should have gone -[something about how narrative optimization should be deliberate: you should keep separate track of what actually happened and what _should_ have happened, rather than blurring them together] + +Narrative optimization should be deliberate: you should keep separate track of what actually happened and what _should_ have happened, rather than blurring them together. (rather than the narratively-convenient reconstruction of an eight-and-change-year-old memory and a Diary entry from the Monday after), so that I could pencil in corrections of diff --git a/content/drafts/theres-a-land-that-i-see-or-the-spirit-of-intervention.md b/content/drafts/theres-a-land-that-i-see-or-the-spirit-of-intervention.md index e1408c2..6609bed 100644 --- a/content/drafts/theres-a-land-that-i-see-or-the-spirit-of-intervention.md +++ b/content/drafts/theres-a-land-that-i-see-or-the-spirit-of-intervention.md @@ -15,7 +15,7 @@ Status: draft > > —[Greg Cochran](https://westhunt.wordpress.com/2015/12/12/internal-contradictions/) -We socially-liberal individualist/feminist people—I _hope_ I'm still allowed to use the first person here, although the reader will ultimately judge that for herself—have this beautiful moral ideal, where we want all human beings to be free to maximize their potential, unencumbered by oppressive cultural traditions specifying roles and destinies in advance. We want everyone to be judged on her or his _own_ merits rather than treated as a representative of their race or sex. +We socially-liberal individualist/feminist people—I _hope_ I'm still allowed to use the first person here, although the reader will ultimately judge that for herself—have this beautiful moral ideal, where we want all human beings to be free to maximize their potential, unencumbered by oppressive cultural traditions specifying roles and destinies in advance. We want everyone to be judged on her or his _own_ merits rather than treated as a representative of their race or sex. And _because_ we care about the beautiful moral ideal, we tend to assume that psychological group differences don't exist or are superficial or are socially-constructed, diff --git a/notes/epigraph_quotes.md b/notes/epigraph_quotes.md index 5ebb742..3ae86d1 100644 --- a/notes/epigraph_quotes.md +++ b/notes/epigraph_quotes.md @@ -7,7 +7,7 @@ looking for a use— (This is Worth a Fight?) > "—but if one hundred thousand straights can turn up, to show their support for the gay community, why can't you?" > -> I said wearily, "Because every time I hear the word _community_, I know I'm being manipulated. If there is such a thing as _the gay community_, I'm certainly not a part of it. As it ahppens, I don't want to spend my life watching _gay and lesbian_ television channels, using _gay and lesbian_ new systems ... or going to _gay and lesbian_ street parades. It's all so ... proprietary. You'd think there was a multinational corporation who had the franchise rights on homosexuality. ANd if you don't _market the product_ their way, you're some kind of second-class, inferior, bootleg, unauthorized queer." +> I said wearily, "Because every time I hear the word _community_, I know I'm being manipulated. If there is such a thing as _the gay community_, I'm certainly not a part of it. As it happens, I don't want to spend my life watching _gay and lesbian_ television channels, using _gay and lesbian_ new systems ... or going to _gay and lesbian_ street parades. It's all so ... proprietary. You'd think there was a multinational corporation who had the franchise rights on homosexuality. And if you don't _market the product_ their way, you're some kind of second-class, inferior, bootleg, unauthorized queer." > > —"Cocoon" by Greg Egan @@ -169,6 +169,10 @@ Moliere on "dormative virtue" > > —"The One That Got Away" by Katy Perry +> He once said, "None of the other Rationals I've ever met have anything but an empty-head for an Emotional. I'm lucky." She had said, "But the other Rationals seem to like empty-heads. Why are you different from them, Odeen?" Odeen did not deny that the other Rationals liked empty-heads. He just said, "I've never figured it out and I don't think it's important that I do. I'm pleased with you and I'm pleased that I'm pleased." +> +> —_The Gods Themselves_ by Isaac Asimov + ---- Less obviously fitting— diff --git a/notes/notes.txt b/notes/notes.txt index e9d9ab7..e951d92 100644 --- a/notes/notes.txt +++ b/notes/notes.txt @@ -244,3 +244,5 @@ etymology fun fact: "male" comes from the Latin malus, meaning "bad" --- on a Facebook thread about female-dominated gym classes, a female acquaintance writes, "My class focuses on weightlifting and it's still all women (including one trans, oddly enough)." (You wouldn't say "oddly enough" if you actually believed that trans women are women!) + +This is so great http://criticaltheology.tumblr.com/post/159472778625/poem-by-a-jewish-trans-woman-written-in-1322 diff --git a/notes/post_ideas.txt b/notes/post_ideas.txt index 4f9eb4d..5a6926e 100644 --- a/notes/post_ideas.txt +++ b/notes/post_ideas.txt @@ -1,10 +1,12 @@ -CURRENT PUSH (5)— -There's a Land That I See; Or, the Spirit of Intervention +CURRENT PUSH— +Laser 1 +✓ Interlude X (likelihood ratios) +There's a Land That I See; Or, The Spirit of Intervention +A Common Misunderstanding; Or, The Spirit of the Staircase (24 January 2009) +✓ Interlude XI (four lights) Don't Negotiate With Terrorist Memeplexes; Or, ... -Interlude X (likelihood ratios) The View From Nowhere - MAIN SEQUENCE (12)— Q Time Travel Isn't Real; Or, Yes, the Only Real Trans Woman Is a Transitioned Trans Woman Q As Well for a Sheep as a Lamb; Or, Charity, Objectivity, and ... @@ -19,10 +21,8 @@ Q Blanchard's Dangerous Idea and the Plight of the Lucid Crossdreamer; Or, Could Q Reduce Gender Identities to Gender Goals The Categories Were Made for Man in Order to Make Predictions - NON-SEQUENCE (16)— Q Memoirs of My Recent Madness, Part II: Friendship Survived -A Common Misunderstanding; Or, the Spirit of the Staircase (24 January 2009) Imperfect Trait Measurements Regress to the Mean Q Review of Nevada Q I Want to See You Be Brave @@ -36,9 +36,7 @@ All Men Benefit From Patriarchy Servants of the Egregore; Or, the Joy of Static Analysis (the story about my name) of course trans genders are less natural; that's the entire fucking point -Interlude XI (four lights) Product Review: Glamour Boutique's Vee-String Bladder -Laser I Threnody for the Transhumanism of My Youth on the poor literary quality of TG captions @@ -47,4 +45,3 @@ An Epistolary Story About Preference Falsification Blame Me for Trying "Love Like You" Friendship Practices of the Secret-Sharing Plain Speech Valley Squirrels - -- 2.17.1 From 58c89584b267547a0474be495b42bcdabaa38198 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: "M. Taylor Saotome-Westlake" Date: Fri, 3 Nov 2017 18:06:07 -0700 Subject: [PATCH 14/16] some post-publication edits to "A Leaf in the Crosswind" Is even this not precisely what I want to say? --- content/2017/a-leaf-in-the-crosswind.md | 6 +++--- 1 file changed, 3 insertions(+), 3 deletions(-) diff --git a/content/2017/a-leaf-in-the-crosswind.md b/content/2017/a-leaf-in-the-crosswind.md index 04a76a4..abec67f 100644 --- a/content/2017/a-leaf-in-the-crosswind.md +++ b/content/2017/a-leaf-in-the-crosswind.md @@ -3,7 +3,7 @@ Date: 2017-10-27 23:47 Category: other Tags: Avatar, cosplay -I cosplayed as [Korra](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Korra) (from _The Legend of Korra_, sequel series to _Avatar: The Last Airbender_—see [also previously](http://unremediatedgender.space/2017/Jan/avatar-the-last-genderbender/)) at—let's call it "Republic City" Comic-Con the other month. Saturday only—conventions are just my excuse to crossdress in public; there's not actually two and a half days' worth of things to do. +I cosplayed as [Korra](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Korra) (from _The Legend of Korra_, sequel series to _Avatar: The Last Airbender_—see [also previously](http://unremediatedgender.space/2017/Jan/avatar-the-last-genderbender/)) at—let's call it "Republic City" Comic-Con the other month. Saturday only—conventions are just my excuse to crossdress in public; I don't actually perceive two and a half days' worth of things to do. I had gotten into the _Avatar_-verse due to a trans (I mean, ostensibly; she—I'm supposed to say _she_—doesn't seem to be trying to pass much) acquaintance of mine, who recommended _Last Airbender_, but I watched _Legend of Korra_ first, because the protagonist is a cool 17-year-old girl rather than [some lame 12-year-old boy](http://avatar.wikia.com/wiki/Aang). @@ -15,11 +15,11 @@ I guess I could have gone as Asami. I even endorse [one Tumblr user's headcanon While waiting in line at a coffeeshop before the con, a woman complemented me on my lipstick and asked me what color it was, although I didn't remember (760 "Gone Griege", for the record). I was _beaming_. -I can imagine an actual aspiring trans woman receiving such a comment, and [interpreting it as confirmation](http://upandoutcomic.tumblr.com/post/166474292641/a-nice-lil-observation-if-you-enjoy-my-work) that she passes, complementing each other on their appearance just being something that women do. I had no such delusions; the woman was humoring me. But it still felt good. +I can imagine an actual aspiring trans woman receiving such a comment, and [interpreting it as confirmation](http://upandoutcomic.tumblr.com/post/166474292641/a-nice-lil-observation-if-you-enjoy-my-work) that she passes, complementing each other on their appearance just being something that women do. I had no such delusions; the woman was humoring me, commenting in a spirit of communal good cheer surrounding a special event (rather than because she as actually curious about the lipstick color). It was nice. The booth for signing up for the afternoon cosplay competition also offered signup for a speed-dating event later in the evening, an opportunity which I siezed eagerly. The staffer asked me if I wanted to sign up for a men's slot, or for the unsegregated "queer" session afterwards. I opted for the former ("Despite everything," I said). -The cosplay contest did not have a "crossplay" category, and I did not win. I maintain that "Pickle Rick" was _overrated_. +Obviously I had no hope of winning the "TV and movies" category of the cosplay contest with a store-bought costume, and they didn't have a "crossplay" category, but I got to be on stage for all of four seconds. Despite having plenty of time to change, I decided to stay in costume for speed dating. One or two of the other attendees asked me why I had chosen to dress up as Korra. "Because she's _awesome_," I said. Which is true, if not a complete answer to their question. -- 2.17.1 From d8abc47b40a81ec7ab6f0c5a6822fb35686accc6 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: "M. Taylor Saotome-Westlake" Date: Fri, 3 Nov 2017 18:18:33 -0700 Subject: [PATCH 15/16] link Gwern's Death Note essay in "The Line in the Sand" Maybe this kind of context-setting makes the "doesn't know information theory" remark clearer? --- ...ne-in-the-sand-or-my-slippery-slope-anchoring-action-plan.md | 2 +- 1 file changed, 1 insertion(+), 1 deletion(-) diff --git a/content/2017/the-line-in-the-sand-or-my-slippery-slope-anchoring-action-plan.md b/content/2017/the-line-in-the-sand-or-my-slippery-slope-anchoring-action-plan.md index e5fd951..fdde16f 100644 --- a/content/2017/the-line-in-the-sand-or-my-slippery-slope-anchoring-action-plan.md +++ b/content/2017/the-line-in-the-sand-or-my-slippery-slope-anchoring-action-plan.md @@ -9,7 +9,7 @@ Tags: not-a-transition So, I'm facing a problem. -On the one hand, I really want to indulge my perverted narcissistic fantasy about being a woman, and I'm _really really jealous_ of all of the trans women friends (I still have friends!—[for now](http://unremediatedgender.space/2017/Jan/the-counter/)) I've made since I moved to "Portland" (quotes because it might not actually be Portland, although you should know that I would still use quotes even if it is Portland, because I'm not some kind of idiot who doesn't know information theory). +On the one hand, I really want to indulge my perverted narcissistic fantasy about being a woman, and I'm _really really jealous_ of all of the trans women friends (I still have friends!—[for now](http://unremediatedgender.space/2017/Jan/the-counter/)) I've made since I moved to "Portland" (quotes because it might not actually be Portland, although you should know that I would still use quotes even if it is Portland, because I'm [not some kind of idiot who doesn't know information theory](https://www.gwern.net/Death-Note-Anonymity)). On the other hand, I don't want to become a trans woman myself, because I already have a perfectly functional social identity as a man named "'Mark'" (two sets of quotes: one for words-as-words, and another because it might not actually be "Mark", although you should know that _&c._) that I'm not going to throw away for the sake of my perverted narcissistic fantasy, particularly since the standard transition narrative looks so actively delusional to me that I can't possibly participate in it. -- 2.17.1 From 62030d8f804db41dcf2313def488e7599b0fa463 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: "M. Taylor Saotome-Westlake" Date: Sat, 4 Nov 2017 11:40:16 -0700 Subject: [PATCH 16/16] .gitignore entry for note/reference material I don't want to check in --- .gitignore | 2 ++ 1 file changed, 2 insertions(+) diff --git a/.gitignore b/.gitignore index 14396cf..b648887 100644 --- a/.gitignore +++ b/.gitignore @@ -10,3 +10,5 @@ share/ pelican.pid srv.pid + +notes/private -- 2.17.1