My subsequent difficulty in writing the required papers for that course weighed on my soul. The failure to live up to expectations would have been shameful for any course, but as a _male_ squandering the privilege of being allowed to take "Introduction to Feminisms", it was simply unbearable. Unable to reach the prescribed word count for the final paper, I had a hysterical nervous breakdown at the end of the quarter, crying and screaming for hours, "I betrayed them; I betrayed them." (The professor and the T.A., who were kind and deserved better than to have to teach a male who _couldn't write_.)
-Outline—
-
- * it became clear that I needed to leave University (prodigal son)
- * working at the supermarket
- * Heald
- * mental issues with school
- * taking differential equations for fun
- * humiliation, feeling that now I had to finish the degree, to prove that I could
- * boiling rage all the time
- * student dysphoria analogy
-
-math_page_1.jpg
+[TODO: description of my college purgatory (being in school, while constantly denouncing it in an ideological), but keep it brief because the readership doesn't care about autobiography ... link to math_page_1.jpg
+the trauma of having no function other than to obey; that's why actual work didn't feel oppressive
+]
+
+I hated the social role of "student" and the whole diseased culture of institutional servitude. I despised the way everyone, including and especially the other "students", talked about their lives and the world in terms of classes and teachers and degrees and grades, rather than talking about the _subject matter_.
+
+I wanted it to be _normal_ for boasts of acheivement to take the form of "I proved this theorem and thereby attained _deep insight into the true structure of mathematical reality_", rather than "I got an 'A' on the test."
+
+(Where, sure, it makes sense to take a test occasionally in order to verify that one isn't self-deceiving about the depth of one's insight into the true structure of mathematical reality, or in order to provide some amount of third-party-legible _evidence about_ the depth of one's insight into the true structure of mathematical reality—but the test score itself isn't the _point_.)
+
+I hated the fact that, if it weren't for my desperate efforts to start intellectual conversations with anyone and everyone, people would assume I was one of _them_. Being perceived that way by Society _hurt_. I was frequently moved to rage or tears just getting through the day in that dehumanizing environment.
+
+That part of my life is behind me now—not because I won my ideological war against institutionalized schooling, but because I _escaped_ to a different world where that war is no longer relevant. My autodidactic romance had already included some amount of computer programming, and taking a [9-week web development bootcamp](https://www.appacademy.io/) leveled up my skills and self-confidence far enough for me to easily find a well-paying software development job. (The code bootcamp didn't feel dysfunctional and oppressive in the way that school did, precisely _because_ no one cares if you graduated from code bootcamp; it was very clear that the focus was on acquiring skill at the craft, rather than obeying the dictates of an Authority.) So I went on to live happily—if not ever after, then at least for a brief, beautiful moment from 2014 to mid-2016.
+
+But that was just my good fortune. There are others who weren't so lucky, who are still suffering in mind-slavery under Authority in the world of schools I left behind. [TODO: transition sentences ...]
+
+We could imagine someone sympathetic to my plight in school deciding that my problem was a psychological condition called "student dysphoria"—discomfort with one's assigned social role of student. We could imagine a whole political movement to help sufferers of student dysphoria by _renaming_ everything: instead of a "student", I could be a "research associate", instead of taking "classes", I could attend "research seminars"—all while the _substance_ of my daily working conditions and social expectations remained the same.
+
+I don't think this would be helping me. When I was angry about being in school, it wasn't because of _the word_ "student"—it was because I wanted more autonomy and I wanted more respect for my intellectual initiative. Changing the words without granting me the autonomy and respect I craved wouldn't be solving my _actual_ problem. It would probably make things _worse_ by sabotaging the concepts and language I needed to _articulate_ what my problem was.
+
+And, really— [TODO: being a "student" would be fine in a world where students got more autonomy; I'm happy to learn from masters—that's what textbooks are; I wasn't delusional about doing original research]
projects / Ultimately_Untrue_Thought.git / blobdiff