From 41ad63886d3249d5d01987d1be9a301bf878afdc Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: "M. Taylor Saotome-Westlake" Date: Mon, 3 Apr 2023 21:43:50 -0700 Subject: [PATCH] check in against self-deception You have to start writing in the morning! If you let the day get away too far, sometimes you throw in the towel. --- ...dea-and-the-plight-of-the-lucid-crossdreamer.md | 14 +++++++++++--- content/drafts/standing-under-the-same-sky.md | 2 +- notes/memoir-sections.md | 11 ++++++----- notes/memoir_wordcounts.csv | 6 +++++- notes/post_ideas.txt | 6 +++--- 5 files changed, 26 insertions(+), 13 deletions(-) diff --git a/content/drafts/blanchards-dangerous-idea-and-the-plight-of-the-lucid-crossdreamer.md b/content/drafts/blanchards-dangerous-idea-and-the-plight-of-the-lucid-crossdreamer.md index a18faa2..5405541 100644 --- a/content/drafts/blanchards-dangerous-idea-and-the-plight-of-the-lucid-crossdreamer.md +++ b/content/drafts/blanchards-dangerous-idea-and-the-plight-of-the-lucid-crossdreamer.md @@ -355,7 +355,7 @@ But (as I told the LCSW) I would _know_ that I was cherry-picking. HSTS-taxon bo -------- -Another consequence of my Blanchardian enlightenment is that around this time was my [break with progressive morality](http://zackmdavis.net/blog/2016/10/late-onset/). I had never _really_ been progressive, as such. (I was registered to vote as a Libertarian, the legacy of a teenage dalliance with Ayn Rand and the [greater](https://web.archive.org/web/20070531085902/http://www.reason.com/blog/) [libertarian](https://praxeology.net/unblog07-06.htm) [blogosphere](https://cafehayek.com/).) But there was still an embedded assumption, reflected in [my antisexist faith](/2021/May/sexual-dimorphism-in-the-sequences-in-relation-to-my-gender-problems/#antisexism), that, as far as America's culture wars went, I was unambiguously on the right (_i.e._, left) side of history, [the Blue Team and not the Red Team](http://zackmdavis.net/blog/2017/03/brand-rust/). +Another consequence of my Blanchardian enlightenment is that around this time was my break with progressive morality. I had never _really_ been progressive, as such. (I was registered to vote as a Libertarian, the legacy of a teenage dalliance with Ayn Rand and the [greater](https://web.archive.org/web/20070531085902/http://www.reason.com/blog/) [libertarian](https://praxeology.net/unblog07-06.htm) [blogosphere](https://cafehayek.com/).) But there was still an embedded assumption, reflected in [my antisexist faith](/2021/May/sexual-dimorphism-in-the-sequences-in-relation-to-my-gender-problems/#antisexism), that, as far as America's culture wars went, I was unambiguously on the right (_i.e._, left) side of history, [the Blue Team and not the Red Team](http://zackmdavis.net/blog/2017/03/brand-rust/). Even after years of devouring heresies on the internet—I remember fascinatedly reading everything I could about race and IQ in the wake of [the James Watson affair back in 'aught-seven](https://www.gnxp.com/blog/2007/10/james-watson-tells-inconvenient-truth_296.php)—I had never really questioned my coalitional alignment. With some prompting from "Wilhelm", I was starting to question it now. @@ -409,6 +409,14 @@ I say all this to emphasize just how much Yudkowsky's opinion meant to me. If yo ------ +http://zackmdavis.net/blog/2016/10/late-onset/ + +and on my real-name blog + +> the moment of liberating clarity when you resolve the tension between being a good person and the requirement to pretend to be stupid by deciding not to be a good person anymore 💖 + +------ + I wrote about my frustrations to Scott Alexander of _Slate Star Codex_ fame (Subject: "J. Michael Bailey did nothing wrong"). The immediate result of this is that he ended up including a link to one of Kay Brown's study summaries (and expressing surprise at the claim that non-androphilic trans woman have very high IQs) in his [November links post](https://slatestarcodex.com/2016/11/01/links-1116-site-unseen/), and he [got some pushback even for that](https://slatestarscratchpad.tumblr.com/post/152736458066/hey-scott-im-a-bit-of-a-fan-of-yours-and-i). ------ @@ -635,7 +643,7 @@ Someone came to my defense: it was common to have mental blocks about criticizin The person also said it was hard because it seemed like there were no moderate centrists on gender: you could either be on Team "if you _ever_ want to know what genitals someone has for _any reason_, you are an _evil transphobe_ who should _die_", or Team "trans women are disgusting blokes in dresses who are _invading_ my female spaces for _nefarious purposes_ and we should burn them all". -I added that the worst part is that "trans women are disgusting blokes in dresses who are invading my female spaces for nefarious purposes" view is basically _correct_. It was _phrased_ in a really dismissive manner. But words don't matter! Only predictions matter! +I added that the worst part is that "trans women are disgusting blokes in dresses who are invading my female spaces for nefarious purposes" view was basically _correct_. It was _phrased_ in a really dismissive manner. But words don't matter! Only predictions matter! ----- @@ -674,7 +682,7 @@ I aptly summed up my mental state with a post that evening: > She had a delusional mental breakdown; you're a little bit manic; I'm in the Avatar state.[^avatar-state] -[^avatar-state]: A reference to _Avatar: The Last Airbender_/_The Legend of Korra_, in which our hero can enter the ["Avatar state"](https://avatar.fandom.com/wiki/Avatar#Avatar_State) to become much more powerful—and also much more vulnerable. +[^avatar-state]: A reference to _Avatar: The Last Airbender_/_The Legend of Korra_, in which our hero can enter the ["Avatar state"](https://avatar.fandom.com/wiki/Avatar#Avatar_State) to become much more powerful—and also much more vulnerable (not being reincarnated if killed in the Avatar state). I made plans to visit a friend's house that evening, but before I left the office, I spent some time drafting an email to Eliezer Yudkowsky. I remarked via PM to the person whose house I was to visit, "oh, maybe I shouldn't send this email to someone as important as Eliezer". Then, "oh, I guess that means the manic state is fading". Then: "I guess that feeling is the exact thing I'm supposed to be fighting". (Avoiding "crazy" actions like emailing a high-status person _wasn't safe_ in a world where all the high-status people where committed to believing that _men could be women by means of saying so_.) I did eventually decide to hold off on the email, and make my way to the friend's house. "Not good at navigation right now", I remarked. diff --git a/content/drafts/standing-under-the-same-sky.md b/content/drafts/standing-under-the-same-sky.md index a4ed7b1..d4c6ad6 100644 --- a/content/drafts/standing-under-the-same-sky.md +++ b/content/drafts/standing-under-the-same-sky.md @@ -1011,7 +1011,7 @@ So—insofar as my Most Important Issues revolved around an obsession with motiv It seems like my answer to the question of, "What does the underlying causal process of _Planecrash_ think about your Most Important Issues; what are some the ways that _Planecrash_ valorizes truth-telling as you, yourself, see that virtue?" is, "It doesn't" (!). Truth-telling is a virtue ethic, and _Planecrash_ depicts a universe ruled by consequentialist gods who only implement virtue ethics insofar as that made it into their utilityfunction. -I realized, of course, that this certainly wasn't the answer Yudkowsky was looking for. But it seemed like a _better_ answer than me trying to play the schoolstudent. He asked what I saw when I looked at what the fictional universe was saying about _my_ problems, and I looked, and _I saw something_. (Something philosophically substantive, not just a social reality.) It seemed more honest to just report that, rather than try to [guess the teacher's password](https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/NMoLJuDJEms7Ku9XS/guessing-the-teacher-s-password). So, after sleeping on it first, I posted the explanation of what I saw to the channel (including the parts about how the original prompts steered me, and that I realized that this wasn't the answer he was looking for). +I realized, of course, that this certainly wasn't the answer Yudkowsky was looking for. But it seemed like a _better_ answer than me trying to play the schoolstudent. He asked what I saw when I looked at what the fictional universe was saying about _my_ problems, and I looked, and _I saw something_. (Something philosophically substantive, definitely not just a social reality.) It seemed more honest to just report that, rather than keep trying to [guess the teacher's password](https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/NMoLJuDJEms7Ku9XS/guessing-the-teacher-s-password). So, after sleeping on it first, I posted the explanation of what I saw to the channel (including the parts about how the original prompts steered me, and that I realized that this wasn't the answer he was looking for). [TODO: * third bluebook didn't get a response diff --git a/notes/memoir-sections.md b/notes/memoir-sections.md index 2ac0841..d34b6f3 100644 --- a/notes/memoir-sections.md +++ b/notes/memoir-sections.md @@ -3,15 +3,15 @@ marked TODO ✓ "arrogance is offputting" (1:51 p.m. 13 Feb, 88 comments) _ fully off the rails 15–17 February [pt. 2] +_ a moment of liberating clarity [pt. 2] +- NRx education with "Wilhelm" [pt. 2] +_ "model clicked"/Feb. discussion with "Wilhelm" [pt. 2] + ✓ Eliezerfic fight: Big Yud tests me [pt. 6] -_ Eliezerfic fight: grading rubric [pt. 6] +- Eliezerfic fight: grading rubric [pt. 6] _ Eliezerfic fight: derail with lintamande [pt. 6] _ Eliezerfic fight: knives, and showing myself out [pt. 6] -_ Vassar 2016 -- NRx education with "Wilhelm" [pt. 2] -_ "model clicked"/Feb. discussion with "Wilhelm" [pt. 2] - _ psych ward [pt. 2] _ emailing Blanchard/Bailey/Hsu/Lawrence [pt. 2] @@ -53,6 +53,7 @@ _ Brian Skyrms?? it was actually "wander onto the AGI mailing list wanting to build a really big semantic net" (https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/9HGR5qatMGoz4GhKj/above-average-ai-scientists) With internet available— +_ The Parable of the Honest Man and the Thing _ Susan Fenimore Cooper _ Hidden Figures _ truth and reconciliation diff --git a/notes/memoir_wordcounts.csv b/notes/memoir_wordcounts.csv index 4cf529a..ac2d34d 100644 --- a/notes/memoir_wordcounts.csv +++ b/notes/memoir_wordcounts.csv @@ -346,4 +346,8 @@ 03/28/2023,108717,1055 03/29/2023,109759,1042 03/30/2023,110878,1119 -03/31/2023,, \ No newline at end of file +03/31/2023,112591,1713 +04/01/2023,112591,0 +04/02/2023,112591,0 +04/03/2023,112643,52 +04/04/2023,, \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/notes/post_ideas.txt b/notes/post_ideas.txt index 8dffc26..4bdc4aa 100644 --- a/notes/post_ideas.txt +++ b/notes/post_ideas.txt @@ -1,10 +1,10 @@ _ I'm Dropping the Pseudonym From This Blog _ Book Review: Nevada -_ (pt. 2) Blanchard's Dangerous Idea and the Plight of the Lucid Crossdreamer (March 2016–April 2017) -_ (pt. 3) A Hill of Validity in Defense of Meaning (November 2018–April 2019) - _ Reply to Scott Alexander on Autogenderphilia _ Hrunkner Unnerby and the Shallowness of Progress (time permitting) + +_ (pt. 2) Blanchard's Dangerous Idea and the Plight of the Lucid Crossdreamer (March 2016–April 2017) +_ (pt. 3) A Hill of Validity in Defense of Meaning (November 2018–April 2019) _ (pt. 4) If Clarity Seems Like Death to Them (April 2019–January 2021) _ (pt. 5) Agreeing With Stalin in Ways that Exhibit Generally Rationalist Principles (February 2021) _ (pt. 6) Standing Under the Same Sky (April 2021–April 2023) -- 2.17.1