----
-So, there's a thing about me, possibly even _the_ thing about me, where there is this beautiful feeling at the center of my life that has shaped me more than almost anything else, where obviously I know that I am in fact male, but I don't want to _identify_ with that fact; I want to believe that I could be female and still be the same person in all the ways that matter, and this sentiment is clearly tied to my sexuality, as if my brain just doesn't draw that much of a distinction between people I want to be _with_ and people I want to be _like_.
+So, there's a thing about me, possibly even _the_ thing about me, where there is this beautiful feeling at the center of my life that has shaped me more than almost anything else, where obviously I know that I am in fact male, but I don't want to _identify_ with that fact; I [want to believe](/2017/Dec/theres-a-land-that-i-see-or-the-spirit-of-intervention/) that I could be female and still be the same person in all the ways that matter, and this sentiment is clearly tied to my sexuality, as if my brain just doesn't draw that much of a distinction between people I want to be _with_ and people I want to be _like_.
... the scintillating but ultimately untrue thought.
There's a word in the psychology literature for the beautiful feeling at the center of my life: _autogynephilia_ ("love of oneself as a woman"), coined in the context of a theory that it represented one of two distinct etiologies for male-to-female transsexualism. This theory didn't seem to be the standard mainstream view, and, I learned, people get really mad at you when you mention it in a comment section, so for a long time [I self-identified with the _word_](/2017/Feb/a-beacon-through-the-darkness-or-getting-it-right-the-first-time/) "autogynephilia", but assumed that the associated _theory_ was false. _I_ wasn't one of those people who were _actually trans_; I was just, you know, one of those guys who are [pointedly insistent on](/2017/Dec/a-common-misunderstanding-or-the-spirit-of-the-staircase-24-january-2009/) not being _proud_ of the fact that they're guys. (And who dimly, privately suspect that this may somehow be causally related to their obsessive masturbation fantasies about being magically transformed into a woman.)
-Moving to "Portland" in 2016 and meeting some _very interesting_ people there led me to do some more reading—Kay Brown's blog [_On the Science of Changing Sex_](https://sillyolme.wordpress.com/), Anne Lawrence's monograph [_Men Trapped in Men's Bodies: Narratives of Autogynephilic Transsexualism_](http://www.annelawrence.com/mtimb.html), Imogen Binnie's novel [_Nevada_](https://www.dailydot.com/irl/nevada-imogen-binnie-transgender/) (this item is reverse-scored)—and I eventually concluded that, no, wait, actually the theory looks _correct_, and I _do_ have the same underlying psychological condition that leads people to transition. That, in fact, my story up to now may even be _typical_ of trans women who transition in their thirties, right up to the ["Oh, I just want to _experiment_ with hormones, I'm not actually going to _transition_" phase](/2017/Jan/the-line-in-the-sand-or-my-slippery-slope-anchoring-action-plan/) (although I'm [not currently proceeding further](/2017/Sep/hormones-day-156-developments-doubts-and-pulling-the-plug-or-putting-the-cis-in-decision/)).
+Moving to "Portland" in 2016 and meeting some _very interesting_ people there led me to do some more reading—Kay Brown's blog [_On the Science of Changing Sex_](https://sillyolme.wordpress.com/), Anne Lawrence's monograph [_Men Trapped in Men's Bodies: Narratives of Autogynephilic Transsexualism_](http://www.annelawrence.com/mtimb.html), Imogen Binnie's novel [_Nevada_](https://www.dailydot.com/irl/nevada-imogen-binnie-transgender/)—and I eventually concluded that, no, wait, actually the theory looks _correct_, and I _do_ have the same underlying psychological condition that leads people to transition. That, in fact, my story up to now may even be _typical_ of trans women who transition in their thirties, right up to the ["Oh, I just want to _experiment_ with hormones, I'm not actually going to _transition_" phase](/2017/Jan/the-line-in-the-sand-or-my-slippery-slope-anchoring-action-plan/) (although I'm [not currently proceeding further](/2017/Sep/hormones-day-156-developments-doubts-and-pulling-the-plug-or-putting-the-cis-in-decision/)).
-This is _really important information_! This is _not_ the thing someone should have to piece together themselves at age 28. This is the sort of thing that should just be in the standard sex-ed books, that boys having these kinds of feelings can read at age 15 and immediately say, "Ah, I'm in the same taxon as lesbian trans women, and heterosexual crossdressers, and guys who have these fantasies but don't do anything about them in particular, and bigender people who are on low-dose hormones and choose how to 'present' in different social venues; I wonder which of these strategies is best for me given my exact circumstances?"
+This is _really important information_! This is _not_ the sort of thing someone should have to piece together themselves at age 28! This is the sort of thing that should just be in the standard sex-ed books, that boys having these kinds of feelings can read at age 15 and _immediately_ say, "Ah, looks like I'm in the same taxon as lesbian trans women, and heterosexual crossdressers, and guys who have these fantasies but don't do anything about them in particular, and bigender people who are on low-dose hormones and choose how to 'present' in different social venues; I wonder which of these strategies is best for me given my exact circumstances?"
So, while I realize that a lot of people have strong feelings about this topic, and I wanted to be sensitive to that, I also want to promote this theory, because I want people to have accurate information about the underlying psychological condition, so they can make the best [choices](http://unremediatedgender.space/2017/Dec/lesser-known-demand-curves/) about what to do about it, whereas people might make poorer choices in a regime where everyone had to figure things out for themselves in an environment full of misinformation about "gender identity."
Let me tell you about the moment I stopped wanting to be sensitive—the moment of liberating clarity when I resolved the tension between being a good person and the attendant requirement to pretend to be stupid by deciding not to be a good person anymore.
-I was arguing about all this with a (cis, male) acquaintance over instant messaging, who I'll call "Kevin."
+I was arguing over instant messaging about all this with a (cis, male) acquaintance I'll call "Kevin," who had no obvious personal stake in the matter.
+
+
Understand the underlying psychological phenomenon _first_, I said, _then_ decide on quality-of-life interventions based on the facts.
It _felt like_ I was talking to an AI designed to maximize the number of trans people.
-Obviously I'm totally in favor of trans _people_ having access to the hormones and surgeries that they want, and having their preferred pronouns respected.
+The Orwellian horror here is not, of course, that someone in my extended social circle has opinions I disagree with.
-But if Kevin is a representative example of what the _subculture of trans activism_ does to people's heads, then maybe your _shitty delusional subculture deserves to die_.
+The Orwellian horror is that [...]
+
+That the threat of being labeled a mean ol' reactionary transphobe is
-I understand that for people who have _already_ built up a self-image around the idea that they are literally women and always have been, the idea that their female gender identity arose out of a misinterpretation of misdirected male sexuality could be extremely disturbing.
+_Words should mean things_, or _Knowledge is better than ignorance_.
-But people dealing with gender dysphoria who haven't already transitioned deserve accurate information! [...] this, _this_ is _personal_.
+[...]
+
+Obviously I'm totally in favor of trans _people_ having access to the hormones and surgeries that they want, and having their preferred pronouns respected.
+
+But if Kevin is a representative example of what the _subculture of trans activism_ does to people's heads, then maybe your _shitty delusional subculture deserves to die_.
-If being a good person means submitting to social pressure aimed at getting me to _shut up and stop thinking_ about the true nature of the beautiful feeling at the center of my life for _twenty-five years_ (!?), then I have _no interest_ in being a good person.
+If being a good person means submitting to social pressure aimed at getting me to _shut up and stop thinking_ about the true nature of the beautiful feeling at the center of my life for _twenty-five years_, then I have _no interest_ in being a good person.
I'm certainly not _trying_ to say things that will hurt people—_least_ of all people who are mostly just like me but read different books in a different order and are living out a pretty decent approximation of _my wildest fantasy_.
projects / Ultimately_Untrue_Thought.git / blobdiff