+++ /dev/null
-Title: Hormones Day 154: Pulling the Plug; Or, Putting the "Cis" in "Decision"
-Date: 2017-09-25
-Category: other
-Tags: HRT diary, not-a-transition, personal
-Status: draft
-
-> Still, my relationships with women were decidedly odd. "What's it _like_ to have breasts?" I'd ask. "How does it _feel_?" It was a question women found baffling.
->
-> "It doesn't feel like anything," one girl told me. "It feels like having an elbow, a nose, a toe. It just is." I couldn't believe she expected me to believe this. Of all the things I thought being female would feel like, _nothing_ wasn't an answer I had considered.
->
-> —Jennifer Finney Boylan, _She's Not There: A Life in Two Genders_
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-It's _possible_ that this was a bad idea.
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-It would be one thing if I was actually _noticing_ the emotional and sensory changes that a lot of trans women report. While the psychological effects of HRT (and therefore, the [activational effects](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Organizational-Activational_Hypothesis) of hormones in normal people who _aren't_ fucking with their biochemistry) being large would be _bad_ news from the standpoint of my ideological/sentimental [hope that psychological sex differences are small](http://unremediatedgender.space/2017/Feb/a-beacon-through-the-darkness-or-getting-it-right-the-first-time/), at least I would get the consolation of getting to experience the other side for myself, the True Secret of Being Hormonally Female. At the same time,
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-my gynecomastia—my breasts?
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-impact on dating
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-"end of the line
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-legitimacy is kind of a bad reason to be making medical decisions
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-not a terribly practical body part
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-we'll see how I feel when my libido comes back
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-genetic children
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-every year or so I go through a phrase
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-(any single cis women reading this, please email me)
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-want to tell you
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-Diary entry no. 318, 24 March 2009—
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-> If it makes sense to speak of stripping away my autogynephila and my explicitly egalitarian-individualist ideology, would my very soul be revealed as male?
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-(Editor's note: _yes_.)
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-> And if so, what can I do about it? What violence could I inflict upon me to make me my _self_?
->
-> I don't think I ever told you: someday it would be nice to experiment with some androgen-blocking drugs―you know, to see what it would feel like to be on them. But if I'm going to do something like that, it would be nice to have a better job and not be living with my parents―oh Diary, how it all hangs together!
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projects / Ultimately_Untrue_Thought.git / blobdiff