-Title: Doubts, Fears, Wishes, Trajectories; Or, Hormones Day 15X
-Date: 2017-09-17
+Title: Hormones Day 154: Pulling the Plug; Or, Putting the "Cis" in "Decision"
+Date: 2017-09-25
Category: other
-Tags: HRT diary, not-a-transition
+Tags: HRT diary, not-a-transition, personal
Status: draft
> Still, my relationships with women were decidedly odd. "What's it _like_ to have breasts?" I'd ask. "How does it _feel_?" It was a question women found baffling.
It's _possible_ that this was a bad idea.
-It would be one thing
+It would be one thing if I was actually _noticing_ the emotional and sensory changes that a lot of trans women report. While the psychological effects of HRT (and therefore, the [activational effects](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Organizational-Activational_Hypothesis) of hormones in normal people who _aren't_ fucking with their biochemistry) being large would be _bad_ news from the standpoint of my ideological/sentimental [hope that psychological sex differences are small](http://unremediatedgender.space/2017/Feb/a-beacon-through-the-darkness-or-getting-it-right-the-first-time/), at least I would get the consolation of getting to experience the other side for myself, the True Secret of Being Hormonally Female. At the same time,
+----
+
+
+my gynecomastia—my breasts?
+
+impact on dating
+
+"end of the line
+
+legitimacy is kind of a bad reason to be making medical decisions
not a terribly practical body part
we'll see how I feel when my libido comes back
+genetic children
every year or so I go through a phrase
(any single cis women reading this, please email me)
+want to tell you
+
+
+
+Diary entry no. 318, 24 March 2009—
+
+> If it makes sense to speak of stripping away my autogynephila and my explicitly egalitarian-individualist ideology, would my very soul be revealed as male?
+
+(Editor's note: _yes_.)
+
+> And if so, what can I do about it? What violence could I inflict upon me to make me my _self_?
+>
+> I don't think I ever told you: someday it would be nice to experiment with some androgen-blocking drugs―you know, to see what it would feel like to be on them. But if I'm going to do something like that, it would be nice to have a better job and not be living with my parents―oh Diary, how it all hangs together!
-want to tell you
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projects / Ultimately_Untrue_Thought.git / blobdiff