Anyway. One _more_ thing that had been disappointing about my February ordeal is that I had originally been scheduled to fly to Portland on 17–19 February for a brief vacation in order to [crossplay](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crossplay) at the [WizardWorld](http://wizardworld.com/comiccon/portland) comic convention there and visit friend of the blog "Jerrica", who—
-Ah. A brief digression is needed here. I invented the pseudonym "Mark Taylor Saotome-Westlake" for this blog because when I privately told people that I wanted to write about my autogynephilia and to advocate for AGP's causal role in the development of MtF transgenderedness being public knowledge, everyone said it would be smarter to use a pseudonym, and possibly to obfuscate my physical location as well, and I listened to them. Thus all the references to "Portland" (scare-quoted in the first appearance in each post) or [its metro area](http://unremediatedgender.space/2017/Jan/the-counter/) in the blog so far, suggesting that I should be thought of as living there (and thus, that it wouldn't make sense for me to write of flying there on vacation, as in the previous paragraph).
+Ah. A brief digression is needed here. I invented the pseudonym "Mark Taylor Saotome-Westlake" for this blog because when I privately told people that I wanted to write about my autogynephilia and to advocate for AGP's causal role in the development of MtF transgenderedness being public knowledge, everyone said it would be smarter to use a pseudonym, and possibly to obfuscate my physical location as well, and I listened to them. Thus all the references to "Portland" (scare-quoted in the first appearance in each post) or [its metro area](/2017/Jan/the-counter/) in the blog so far, suggesting that I should be thought of as living there (and thus, that it wouldn't make sense for me to write of flying there on vacation, as in the previous paragraph).
But after the events recounted in this post, that cautious, prudent advice to keep my identity and location secret is starting to seem unduly _cowardly_. The meta-level phenomenon that I'm so upset about (distinct from the object-level issue of how transness works) is _precisely_ that people are _far_ more reasonable in private than in public, that there are things that are knowable and known that almost no one is willing to _say out loud in public_ because they're _afraid_. (Whether of being harrassed by social-media mobs, or losing their job, or getting eaten by HIPAA-demons, no one ever seems to specify, but that's not surprising: if we knew how to reduce our fear to a probability distribution over outcomes conditional on actions, then our spirits would be one with the Bayes-structure, and the fear would not control us.) But protecting the social freedom to say true things out loud is _really important_ for the quality of our collective epistemology, which seems like the kind of social issue worth caring about, if anything is.
----
-in the ruins
+in the ruins—thinking that internet-courier food was literally scraped from garbage
+
+stealing Elcenia books
science/female cooperate/defect
hot chocolate, poison me; afraid of being locked in; not trusting Google Maps (I thought it might be giving me bad data as a test case)
+trying to make a puzzle for Watson out of the Soylent bottles, thinking he was on a longer "Cookie Monster" cycle than me
+
+my "power play" status update was only Liked by men
+
everyone is being posioned all the time, and there's
Jem Uber, denouncing my social class; Hamilton tickets
"Someone is going to die, and it's not going to be me!"
-there might be _separate_ An Algorithmic Lucidity and Scintillating But Ultimately Untrue Thought meetups, and one of them, someone who had been gaslit into thinking they were me would attend, and maybe he would get killed instead, if the party; or maybe there would be a scandal in the newspapers about a confrontation in the bathroom, and there would be a trial
+there might be _separate_ An Algorithmic Lucidity and Scintillating But Ultimately Untrue Thought meetups, and one of them, someone who had been gaslit into thinking they were me would attend, and maybe he would get killed instead, if the party; or maybe there would be a scandal in the newspapers about a confrontation in the bathroom, and there would be a trial, and the trial would consume
some subset of my crowd is in harmony with human nature
people only respond to coalitions, imagining people running around in defensive coalitions
not trusting Google directions
+
+truth and anti-truth
+
+systems aren't real: https://meaningness.com/metablog/post-apocalyptic-health-care
+
+Bayesomasochism
+
+notebooks that I don't have anymore
+
+http://lesswrong.com/lw/km6/why_the_tails_come_apart/
+
+an irony: in my psychosis, I was scared that the world was far less legible than I had imagined, but that wasn't why my ordeal's and "Roberta"'s were so traumatic at all: the psych ward is very much governed by legible rules, rules that I had no control over
+
+notes from Messenger—
+
+and then the second post to explain all the entertaining delusions I had at Onward, and Volterra, and the night I spent at the Vagabond Inn, and getting tripsat in the hotel ... and possibly (I don't know if this warrants a Part III) mention things that happened in Portland in Sophia (which also involved another night of no sleep, and Sophia tripsitting me the entire next day, with a nap before my flight in the evening)
+
+Part II is harder, because, in addition to having to relive painful memories, some of those memories are things that I wasn't entirely sure I wanted to talk about on the internet, even with my recent monomanical obsession with opposing secrecy ... I think I'll eventually mostly do the right thing, but it's hard
+
+but as long as Part II would be published later anyway, that provides a slot to finish and publish (in between Parts I and II) another almost-done-except-for-reliving-painful-memories draft, which is a prerequisite for understanding my Portland sleeplessness—explaining the "game theory says I can't afford to give in to people who say my writing hurts them, because that creates an incentive to be hurt" thing
+
+oh, I'm also planning on self-doxxing at the beginning of Part II https://github.com/zackmdavis/Ultimately_Untrue_Thought/blob/b63295d1/content/drafts/memoirs-of-my-recent-madness-part-ii-friendship-survived.md
+
+off-topic: at the bagel place I went to after the gym, there was a toddler behind the counter, enclosed in a kiddie-fence, and there was an iPad mounted on the fridge playing one of those awful toddler shows ("Hot cross buns! Hot cross buns!" it chanted), and I thought that this was emblematic of the tragedy where the rules that are written down are different from the rules that are actually enforced or sane or enforceable, which has disastrous effects on meaning in language (I would be much less angry about February if they had just said, "We're physically detaining you because we don't trust you not to do anything crazy; we don't expect you to regard this as 'care'")
+there's no way the health code lets you keep your toddler behind the counter, but I don't mind, and I presumably know more about it than the health inspectors do i.e., that it's happening; at the coffee kiosk in the supermarket where I used to work, we would change practices when we knew the inspector would come, and I would have expected the inspectors to know this: everyone is lying to each other ... the thing Part II is about (so maybe this isn't off-topic) is what it feels like for this sense to be tuned up to 11
+taking things that people I respected had said, interpreting them far more literally than they were intended, and inferring what lies everyone would have to be telling, for the world to really be like that, and for no one to have told me
+(this is especially bad when one of the trusted authorities [...] is known to speak in metaphors and use the word "literally" non-literally)
+
+[] had once told me that we might be living in the ruins of a dying civilization, and she meant that as a metaphor for some big-picture Great Stagnation thesis about how competence in most fields has been going down rather than up since 1973
+and I took it literally, thinking that maybe things were much more broken than I had previously dared imagine
+
+that night while I was at Onward, someone ordered phone takeout, and I had a couple french fries, which were cold, and I thought that maybe that was because you had gotten the food from dumpster-diving, but didn't tell me to spare yourself the embarrassment, to protect me and Andromeda from the knowledge of the harsh conditions of our world
+
+or that the delivery driver was late because the economy didn't work in general
+like, you think that people have service-sector jobs, but maybe it's also extremely common for people to just put on stolen service-sector uniforms and pretend to be Uber drives or FedEx men or whatever so that they can steal stuff to protect their families
+and for the most part, no one notices this mismatches between the written reality (of addresses and money and laws) and the physical primate reality (of people being animals that manipulate each other by making noises), because most people can't actually read; they're just faking it; rare smart people pick it up from books, but most people are just automata
+I started testing the hypotheses by, e.g., running off to get coffee even though (you claim) I had promised at Voltrra not to, to go to Wells Fargo and complain about the "KAISER" charge on my bill, and trying to use evopsych games on everyone I met
+which sometimes had less-than-reassuring results; when I asked a hotel clerk his name, and then I said that my name is Zack Davis, what's your last name? He said that he doesn't have a last name
+I think Sarah pointed out that the true meaning of "I don't have a last name" was "I'm a service-sector employee and I'm afraid you'll write me up"
+but I was like, either HE'S LYING STOP LYING WHY IS EVERYONE LYING TO ME; or, maybe he really doesn't have a last name; maybe he's an illegal immigrant from a community in Mexico where they really don't give people last names---which wouldn't fly for getting a legal job in the USA (where you need an SSN and the Social Security Administration assumes they have last names), but maybe he just puts on a suit and plays the part of a hotel clerk without anyone's permission, or other employees who have an in with the boss have faked the paperwork for him
+maybe the real hotel manager is tied up in the back, screaming for her life
+(A lot of these delusions were pretty racist in a non-reflectively-endorsed way; I had been scared of the social consequences of it being known that I believe in enpvny VD qvssreraprf (I already got a lot of pushback for AGP, and I have intimate personal credibility on that one, and thus the most free-speech latitude you could imagine except for people like Sophia or Anne Lawrence who have actually transitioned)
+
+and thinking about being animals that protect their family, their people
projects / Ultimately_Untrue_Thought.git / blobdiff