Ironically, in the inferno of shame over having betrayed my mandate to the University, my attitude towards school flipped practically overnight. I had never been the most _diligent_ student, but I had mostly accepted the duty of getting an "education": I didn't always do my homework, but when I didn't, I at least felt guilty about it. But suddenly, the difference between schooling-as-education and actual _learning_ became distinct. I had _always_ been a voracious reader; for years, I had been filling little pocket notebooks with my own thoughts—clearly, school itself couldn't take credit for everything I knew. I took a leave of absence from the University and went back to my (previously, "summer") job at the supermarket, with the intention of being an explicit autodidact. I had always learned from books "in passing", in my "free time", but now I would give it the full force of my _legitimate_ effort—it wasn't "leisure" anymore; it was my _actual_ work.
-And not just reading, either. I remembered enjoying the linear algebra class I took in winter quarter freshman year at the University, although the course had gone slowly, such that a year and a half after the course was over, I found I didn't recall what an eigenvalue was, although I had retained mastery of taking the [reduced row echelon form](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Row_echelon_form#Reduced_row_echelon_form). But what did it matter that the "course" was "over", if I didn't _know_? So I got out the textbook [(Bretcher, 3rd edition)](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/144938.Linear_Algebra_with_Applications) and [set to work](/images/math_page_1.jpg) ...
+And not just reading, either. I remembered enjoying the linear algebra class I took in winter quarter freshman year at the University, although the course had gone slowly, such that a year and a half after it was over, I found I didn't recall what an eigenvalue was, although I had retained mastery of taking the [reduced row echelon form](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Row_echelon_form#Reduced_row_echelon_form) of a matrix. But what did it matter that the "course" was "over", if I didn't _know_? So I got out the textbook [(Bretcher, 3rd edition)](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/144938.Linear_Algebra_with_Applications) and [set to work](/images/math_page_1.jpg) ...
[TODO: the trauma of having no function other than to obey; that's why actual work didn't feel oppressive ]
projects / Ultimately_Untrue_Thought.git / blobdiff