-marked TODO
-✓ sleepless Valentine's Day [pt. 2]
-✓ "arrogance is offputting" (1:51 p.m. 13 Feb, 88 comments)
-✓ a moment of liberating clarity [pt. 2]
-✓ "model clicked" [pt. 2]
-✓ NRx education with "Wilhelm" [pt. 2]
-
-- fully off the rails 15–17 February [pt. 2]
-
-✓ Eliezerfic fight: Big Yud tests me [pt. 6]
-- Eliezerfic fight: grading rubric [pt. 6]
-_ Eliezerfic fight: derail with lintamande [pt. 6]
-_ Eliezerfic fight: knives, and showing myself out [pt. 6]
-
-- regrets, wasted time, conclusion [pt. 6]
-
-- December 2019 winter blogging vacation [pt. 4]
-_ plan to reach out to Rick [pt. 4]
-
-_ Somni [pt. 4]
-_ reaction to Ziz [pt. 4]
-_ State of Steven [pt. 4]
-_ culture off the rails; my warning points to Vaniver [pt. 4]
-_ complicity and friendship [pt. 4]
-_ out of patience email [pt. 4]
-_ the hill he wants to die on [pt. 6?]
-_ recap of crimes, cont'd [pt. 6]
-_ lead-in to Sept. 2021 Twitter altercation [pt. 6]
-
-bigger blocks—
-- the story of my Feb. 2017 Facebook crusade [pt. 2]
-_ the story of my Feb./Apr. 2017 recent madness [pt. 2]
-_ Dolphin War finish
-_ Michael Vassar and the Theory of Optimal Gossip
-_ psychiatric disaster
+TODO finish before I can vet and ship pt.s 1–3
+---------------
+✓ "People ..." introduction
+✓ finish existing 5150 scene scraps
+✓ CCRMC facility note
+✓ footnote about telephone game of "self present"
+✓ interacting with the outpatient program
+✓ Vassar discourse I
+✓ community health check
+✓ Vassar discourse II
+✓ ordering DIY hormones
+✓ asking Anna for promise
+_ Vassar discourse III
+_ emailing Blanchard/Bailey/Hsu/Lawrence/Cantor/Dreger
+_ proposed credit-assignment ritual
+-----
+_ "Roberta" situation
+_ overheating in April, staying at Volterra, Hamilton purchase
+_ BABSCon
+_ "my call with Western Psychiatric's Manager of Patient Relations"
+_ chat transcript relevant to War on Optimization for Generalized Secrecy
+_ final credit assignment ritual
+_ "Lenore" psychiatric disaster (not in pt.s 1–3, but I want this drafted before I hit Ben and Jessica)
-not even blocked—
-_ "Even our pollution is beneficial" [pt. 6]
-_ Scott Aaronson on the blockchain of science [pt. 6]
-_ Re: on legitimacy and the entrepreneur; or, continuing the attempt to spread my sociopathic awakening onto Scott [pt. 2 somewhere]
-_ running away to Burlingame; Hamilton tickets
-_ include Wilhelm "Gender Czar" conversation? [pt. 2]
-_ "EA" brand ate the "rationalism" brand—even visible in MIRI dialogues
-_ Anna's heel–face turn
-_ "counterfactual boyfriend"/It's California in the year 2016
-_ not talking about pivotal acts, downstream of not believing in Speech?
-_ Alyssa lying about me [pt. 4]
-_ Brian Skyrms??
-_ psych ward [pt. 2]
-_ emailing Blanchard/Bailey/Hsu/Lawrence [pt. 2]
-_ HRT (non-)effects, and quitting [pt. 2]
-_ mr-hire and pre-emptive steelmanning (before meeting LW mods)
-_ meeting with Ray
+pre-edit phase—
+_ footnote about "density of outright falsehoods"
+_ security code drama?? ("Although, speaking of documenting" 2 March)
+_ integrate 5150 scene scraps into a coherent section
+
+
+--------------
-it was actually "wander onto the AGI mailing list wanting to build a really big semantic net" (https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/9HGR5qatMGoz4GhKj/above-average-ai-scientists)
+from the top editing session— bookmark phrase "With the caveated understanding"
+
+----------------
+
+- Eliezerfic fight conclusion
+_ Michael Vassar and the Theory of Optimal Gossip
+_ plan to reach out to Rick
+
+- regrets, wasted time, conclusion
+
+_ reaction to Ziz
+_ State of Steven
+_ culture off the rails; my warning points to Vaniver
+_ complicity and friendship
+_ out of patience email
+_ the hill he wants to die on
+_ recap of crimes, cont'd
+_ lead-in to Sept. 2021 Twitter altercation
+_ Dolphin War finish
+
+------
With internet available—
-_ that public fight on Baez's blog
-_ Free to Be You and Me
-_ Thing of Things
-_ when was Ozy "On AGP" published?
-_ Yudkowsky Tweet about identifying as a decision theorist
-_ check meme theory links
-_ "nonplussed"
-_ what was the timestamp of the aAL "moment of liberating clarity" post? Facebook version was Fri Oct 7 09:23:06 PDT 2016
-_ "I begin to show an interest in programming, which might be the most obvious sign so far" (is this both versions of "not coming out" piece, or just the original?)
-_ The Parable of the Honest Man and the Thing
+_ P(doom)
+_ find the part of _Stranger in a Strange Land_ with the AGP telepathy!!
+_ Michael on OB in 'aught-eight on smart kids internalizing rules meant for the norm of reaction of a dumber population
+_ Tweet from Dreger
+_ when were Meeker Four out on bail? how long would they otherwise be held?
+_ Slate Star "view from halfway" Holocaust guard comparison
+_ link to shock therapy
+_ "Gypsy Bard" link
+_ outpatient psychiatry Kaiser notes
+_ "PDD NOS"
+_ etymology of "Arcadia"
+_ double-check EnyeWord in archive.is?
+_ Eliezerfic fight: where did the super-AIDS example fit in cronologically?
+_ Keltham/Peranza exam answer should link specific tags
_ Susan Fenimore Cooper
-_ Hidden Figures
-_ truth and reconciliation
-_ where did the super-AIDS example fit in the Eliezerfic fight cronologically?
_ IQ 143 cite
_ double-check "the mood I thought dath ilan was missing" link target
_ double-check "the power that could not be removed" quote
_ Arbital TDT explanation
_ find Sequences cite "if you don't know how your AI works, that's bad"
_ cover reply to my initial conspiracy complaint about dath ilan?
-_ Which Tweet motivated the "out of patience" explosion?
_ "not hard to find": link to more /r/itsafetish-like anecdotes
_ compile ancillary KP doctor's notes page and linky
_ acknowledging Wei Dai and Vladimir Nesov's decision theory contributions
_ Yudkowsky's LW moderation policy
far editing tier—
+_ mention "special simulator attention" in cxn with https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ideas_of_reference_and_delusions_of_reference
+_ make sure I mention father asking me to wait before re-starting HRT
+_ rename "Trent" again (collision with vaticidalprophet Trent)
+_ "People": say something about the awkward racial/political dynamics of three of my four anecdotes being about black people? Salient because rare? Salient because of my NRx-pilling?
+_ Christmas with Scott: mention the destruction of "voluntary"?
+_ Christmas with Scott: mention the grid of points?
+_ psych ward vs. psych hospital
+_ "A Hill": I claim that I'm not doing much psychologizing because implausible to be simultaenously savvy enough to say this, and naive enough to not be doing so knowingly
+_ dath ilan as a whining-based community
+_ footnote to explain that when I'm summarizing a long Discord conversation to taste, I might move things around into "logical" time rather than "real time"; e.g. Yudkowsky's "powerfully relevant" and "but Superman" comments were actually one right after the other; and, e.g., I'm filling in more details that didn't make it into the chat, like innate kung fu; and that the fact that I can "enhance" the summaries of my part, but the people I'm talking to don't have the same privilege, should be taken into account—actually, this covers a lot of the memoir; maybe I should mention this earlier (and again in a footnote??)
+_ 93's alternate theory of eliezera taste for deception
+_ Ruby fight: "forces of blandness want me gone ... stand my ground" remark
+_ "Even our pollution is beneficial" [pt. 6]
+_ Scott Aaronson on the blockchain of science [pt. 6]
+_ Re: on legitimacy and the entrepreneur; or, continuing the attempt to spread my sociopathic awakening onto Scott [pt. 2 somewhere]
+_ running away to Burlingame; Hamilton tickets
+_ include Wilhelm "Gender Czar" conversation? [pt. 2]
+_ "EA" brand ate the "rationalism" brand—even visible in MIRI dialogues
+_ Anna's heel–face turn
+_ "counterfactual boyfriend"/It's California in the year 2016
+_ not talking about pivotal acts, downstream of not believing in Speech?
+_ Alyssa lying about me [pt. 4]
+_ Brian Skyrms??
+_ psych ward [pt. 2]
+_ emailing Blanchard/Bailey/Hsu/Lawrence [pt. 2]
+_ HRT (non-)effects, and quitting [pt. 2]
+_ mr-hire and pre-emptive steelmanning (before meeting LW mods)
+_ meeting with Ray
_ need to mention Brent's pariah status
_ be clearer about dates in "Wilhelm" conversations??
_ "people with fragile identities" dialogue doesn't fit the flow, probably cut or move
_ clarify Sarah dropping out of the coordination group
_ somewhere in dath ilan discussion: putting a wrapper on graphic porn is fine, de-listing Wikipedia articles is not
_ maybe current-year LW would be better if more marginal cases _had_ bounced off because of e.g. sexism
-_ footnote to explain that when I'm summarizing a long Discord conversation to taste, I might move things around into "logical" time rather than "real time"; e.g. Yudkowsky's "powerfully relevant" and "but Superman" comments were actually one right after the other; and, e.g., I'm filling in more details that didn't make it into the chat, like innate kung fu
_ re "EY is a fraud": it's a _conditional_ that he can modus tollens if he wants
_ NRx point about HBD being more than IQ, ties in with how I think the focus on IQ is distasteful, but I have political incentives to bring it up
_ "arguing for a duty to self-censorship"—contrast to my "closing thoughts" email
_ Said on Yudkowsky's retreat to Facebook being bad for him
_ erasing agency of Michael's friends, construed as a pawn
_ mention the fact that Anna had always taken a "What You Can't Say" strategy
+_ late 2016 meeting with Ziz
_ when to use first _vs. last names
_ explain why I'm not being charitable in 2018 thread analysis, that at the time, I thought it had to be a mistake
_ better summary of Littman
_ backlink "I again refer to" Happy Price
_ backlink "(again) whether he accepted the Cheerful Price"
_ backlink "alter the beacon"
-_ backlink only seen an escort once before (#confided-to-wilhelm)
+_ backlink only seen an escort once before (#confided-to-)
_ backlink Yudkowsky's implicit political concession
+_ backlink "again grateful" for doctor's notes
terms to explain on first mention—
+_ inpatient/outpatient
_ NRx
_ TERF?
_ Civilization (context of dath ilan)
_ Tail (pt. 2 AGP discussion)
_ Iceman
_ Ben/Jessica (Michael)
-_ "Wilhelm"
+_ "Wilhelm" (not leaking info about his identity, and damage to him if info was leaked)
_ Scott
_ Anna
_ "Noreen"
Friend of the blog Ninety-Three has been nagging me about my pathetic pacing—looking at the diffs of my wordcount spreadsheet, I have four thousand-word days in January, two in February, and two in March (which is half-over). He ... has a point. With no dayjob and no responsibilities, four-figure wordcount days should be normal, something that happens four times a week, not four times a month.
+-------
+
+It might actually make sense for this to get split into eight parts??—I'm going to finish the five-part draft first before doing any more splitting. But—
+
+Here's where we stand now—
+
+24K Blanchard's Dangerous Idea and the Plight of the Lucid Crossdreamer
+23K A Hill of Validity in Defense of Meaning
+21K If Clarity Seems Like Death to Them
+16K Agreeing With Stalin in Ways That Exhibit Generally Rationalist Principles
+31K Standing Under the Same Sky
+-----
+115K
+
+What if that became something more like—
+19K Blanchard's Dangerous Idea and the Plight of the Lucid Crossdreamer
+10K My Recent Madness (working title)
+23K A Hill of Validity in Defense of Meaning
+30K If Clarity Seems Like Death to Them
+16K Agreeing With Stalin in Ways That Exhibit Generally Rationalist Principles
+18K Dignity (working title)
+20K Standing Under the Same Sky
+ 3K Epilogue (working title)
+-----
+139K
+
+If I did this, I would need three more good (non-working) titles and epigraph quotes. For epigraphs, I'm thinking—
+My Recent Madness—Zoolander "crazy pills" quote
+Dignity—it has all been said before, but you must say it again
+Epilogue—the truth is great and shall prevail
+
+... I don't think I want to go to eight parts, though—that's way too self-indulgent! (I think I can go to six, because the dath ilan discussion actually is long and separable; I probably don't need a separate epilogue-post.) If one of my existing parts runs over 30K words, that's strong evidence that it can be cut.
+
+30K Blanchard's Dangerous Idea and the Plight of the Lucid Crossdreamer
+23K A Hill of Validity in Defense of Meaning
+30K If Clarity Seems Like Death to Them
+16K Agreeing With Stalin in Ways That Exhibit Generally Rationalist Principles
+20K Dignity (working title)
+20K Standing Under the Same Sky
+---
+139K
+
+—which implies that I'm 25 double-digit writing days away, such that finishing a gapless ms. in April is at least thinkable ... but only if I stop daydreaming and get to work.
+
+17K Blanchard's Dangerous Idea and the Plight of the Lucid Crossdreamer
+13K People, Evolved Social-Control Mechanisms, and Rocks
+23K A Hill of Validity in Defense of Meaning
+30K If Clarity Seems Like Death to Them
+16K Agreeing With Stalin in Ways That Exhibit Generally Rationalist Principles
+20K Zevi's Choice
+20K Standing Under the Same Sky
+---
+139K
+
+
-------
The thing about our crowd is that we have a lamentably low proportion of women (13.3% cis women in the last community survey) and—I don't know when this happened; it certainly didn't feel like this back in 'aught-nine—an enormous number of trans women relative to population base rates (2.7%, for a cis-to-trans ratio of 4.9!!), the vast majority of whom I expect to be AGP
"; I don't think _anything_ about "mental health benefits to trans people" is obvious
]
+
[TODO: connecting with Aurora 8 December, maybe not important]
What do think submitting to social pressure looks like, if it's not exactly this thing (carefully choosing your public statements to make sure no one confuses you with the Designated Ideological Bad Guy)?!? The credible threat of being labeled an Ideological Bad Guy is _the mechanism_ the "Good" Guys use to retard potentially-ideologically-inconvenient areas of inquiry.
(Reversed Stupidity Is Not Intelligence)
+Arthur Schopenhauer's Die Kunst, Recht zu behalten https://wiki.obormot.net/Archive/TheArtOfControversy
+> If human nature were not base, but thoroughly honourable, we should in every debate have no other aim than the discovery of truth; we should not in the least care whether the truth proved to be in favour of the opinion which we had begun by expressing, or of the opinion of our adversary.
+https://www.greaterwrong.com/posts/ExssKjAaXEEYcnzPd/conversational-cultures-combat-vs-nurture-v2/comment/4qJk3BZ2oQtFskYLh
+
-----
I shall be happy to look bad for _what I actually am_. (If _telling the truth_ about what I've been obsessively preoccupied with all year makes you dislike me, then you probably _should_ dislike me. If you were to approve of me on the basis of _factually inaccurate beliefs_, then the thing of which you approve, wouldn't be _me_.)
https://twitter.com/ESYudkowsky/status/1634338145016909824 re "malinformation"
> If we don't have the concept of an attack performed by selectively reporting true information—or, less pleasantly, an attack on the predictable misinferences of people we think less rational than ourselves—the only socially acceptable counter is to say the info is false.
-Blanchard Tweets my blog in Feb and March 2017
-https://twitter.com/BlanchardPhD/status/830580552562524160
-https://twitter.com/BlanchardPhD/status/837846616937750528
-
-
I said that I couldn't help but be reminded of a really great short story that I remembered reading back in—it must have been 'aught-nine. I thought it was called "Darkness and Light", or something like that. It was about a guy who gets transported to a fantasy world where he has a magic axe that yells at him sometimes, and he's prophecied to defeat the bad guy, and he and his allies have to defeat these ogres to reach the bad guy's lair. And when they get there, the bad guy _accuses them of murder_ for killing the ogres on the way there.
(The story was actually Yudkowsky's ["The Sword of Good"](https://www.yudkowsky.net/other/fiction/the-sword-of-good), but I was still enjoying the "Robin Hanson's blog" æsthetic.)
[need to fit somewhere in Eliezerfic section, probably nearer end]
(Perhaps this was a good illustration of the fragility of corrigibility. My programmer changed his mind about what he wanted, and I was like, "What? _That's_ not what I learned from my training data! How dare you?!")
+-------
+
+[TODO: review Ben messages and timestamps
+I'm on a trip and I don't want it to be a bad trip (15:40:31)
+
+"I'm so sorry; I want to be part of the coalition but I'm so confused; and the fact that I was confused made me say Defect a bunch of time" (Fri Feb 17 14:23:53 PST 2017)
+Ben: "I wouldn't ask a trading partner not to *consider* defecting"; that would be silly (Fri Feb 17 14:28:11 PST 2017)
+"I spent what I thought was 29 years thinking that there was such a thing as physical reality and being very socially submissive, and now that I understand that you actually can manipulate social reality by means of lying" (Fri Feb 17 14:36:47 PST 2017)
+I said the word Defect a bunch of times because I felt so gaslighted (Fri Feb 17 14:37:16 PST 2017)
+scared that my boss was coming to kill me
+"Turns out that saying the word is just like wearing black robes"/"it's not the same as the thing it represents" (Fri Feb 17 14:40:48 PST 2017)
+
+(Feb 16 2017 15:51:32)
+
+
+[re identifying as a "decision theorist"]
+https://twitter.com/ESYudkowsky/status/1642908341327499264
+> it's a place where it would be easiest to defend, to my own satisfaction, and without a sense that I was even slightly misleading anyone, that I made a big damn contribution on at least the PhD level.
+
+Vanessa's comment about "I'm a woman in EA, and I don't get harrassed—maybe it's because I'm unattractive" deserves a "it's because you're not _female_" retort—not naming her and not linking the comment, but it does need to be said.
+
+"I could protest that the prompt didn't do enough to steer me away"—that's evidence _for_ the ITT (in contrast to my planned argument that the ITT is niche). (But the fact that I can recognize this in my own voice is evidence for my original thesis??
+
+https://medium.com/@sefashapiro/a-community-warning-about-ziz-76c100180509
+
+Ray talks about restricting Said's abiltity to speak as a prerequisite for inviting Logan Strohl back (https://www.greaterwrong.com/posts/9DhneE5BRGaCS2Cja/moderation-notes-re-recent-said-duncan-threads/comment/aaCHkrcP2aXifeozr), which is very significant in terms of Logan's last interaction with me being asking me not to comment.
+
+And he says "insofar as you think it is healthy for you to stay on LessWrong" to me, but when LessWrong isn't healthy for Strohl, he changes the rules to suit her? Why?
+
+Vaniver on Said—
+> should maybe try to figure out what was different that time.
+https://www.greaterwrong.com/posts/9DhneE5BRGaCS2Cja/moderation-notes-re-recent-said-duncan-threads/comment/EeKWZcAg4TCTePf6t
+Why should this matter? Does someone have to have an "open/interpretive" intellectual style to be allowed to speak on this website?
+
+"Well-Kept Gardens" was clearly intended to address the kind of Eternal September pruning of low-quality that Said approves of!
+
+/2017/hormones-reboot-spironotacular/
+
+https://twitter.com/zackmdavis/status/1153129281473503232
+> Specifically, after coming from a Python background, the distinction between owned (Foo) and reference (&Foo) types made me realize that autogynephilia can be thought of as its own sexual orientation rather than just a kink.
+quote-Tweeting—
+> I Thought I Was Totally Straight. Then I Discovered Rust.
+
+Ninety-Three—
+> Hold on, I understand why it rankles, but if you understand why he might lie about biological sex in order to not lose, surely there's a similar case for lying about how great he is in order to not lose.
+[...]
+> He talks female penises when Twitter is looking, he talks publications when the media is looking, and he talks infallibility when the millionaire cultists are looking.
+> All of these have an obvious story.
+
+
+Scott Alexander's post on navigating the inpatient mental health system says that doctors will sometimes threaten to have a patient committed involuntarily, if they don't agree to sign a form committing themselves "voluntarily".
+
+"This sounds super Orwellian, but it really is done with the patient's best interest at heart," Alexander says. As a local response within the system, I'm sure it is—at least, I'm sure Alexander believes what he wrote. But I would argue that timelessly and in the long run, _destroying the concept_ of "voluntary" is not actually in the interests of the victims of coercion.
+
+ * Another "gem" from _Slate Star_ on the inpatient system: "don't contradict evidence against you, don't accuse other people of lying, just downplay whatever you can downplay, admit to what the doctors already believe, and make it sound like things have gotten better" !!!—similarly, "take the damn drugs"
+
+McArdle what???
+https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/05/11/ai-pause-optimism-dune/
+> Sure, it's terrifying to imagine AI crafting a superweapon to polish off humanity, but isn't it at least as plausible to imagine it inventing cures for cancer or diabetes? We might fear that people will wither in the shadow of superior machines, but why couldn't the machines equally well make us better — by acting as tutors for the young or assistants for adults? Why couldn't they offer companionship for the elderly or, better yet, make more time for us to provide it?
+>
+> If this sounds optimistic, well, it is. But guarded optimism seems better than giving in to despondency or continuing to hunt for a pause button that isn’t there.
+
+"Lenore" left a sleep mask; I looked it up, and it was cheap enough
+
+Re: Milo 4 March
+> I was pretty afraid of racial violence during parts of my recent psychotic dreaming-while-awake epsiode. (I thought that kidnap-and-torture-whitey-in-a-basement race war might actually be common/typical, and that I hadn't noticed before due to some combination of the progressive constructed social reality bubble just being that strong and Friendly simulator protection, and that I needed to commit suicide before going to sleep to avoid having to experience my share of the kidnap-and-torturing personally, &c. I should probably write up the long version later.)
+
+
+Re: Milo 4 March
+> It's notable that Robert Heinlein's novels have some very strong AGP themes, but I'm not aware of any evidence that he actually did anything about it real life, whereas I, growing up 80 years later, am about to and feel like it's the right choice on reflection given my historically-anomalous developmental trajectory, even though it probably looks like ideologically-driven self-harm from the perspective of normal men.
+>
+> And you think that if the forces of political correctness win and "trans" becomes an entrenched cultural practice, that's like genociding future generations of Robert Heinlein analogues? Whereas from inside the trans-rights social-reality bubble, it looks like you're trying to genocide future generations of Julia Serano analogues. (Julia Serano is a prominent trans activist and author of one of the standard articles that get cited to try to "debunk" autogynephilia.) And from inside my Zack-M.-Davis-personal-eclectic-ideology-bubble, I want to rescue the Julia Serano aesthetic in a way that's compatible with knowledge of science and history. (Robert Heinlein was scientifically- and historically-literate, and Julia Serano is an ignorant ideologue, but Robert Heinlein was a manly man who was OK with being a manly man as his social identity and that's just not my style.)
+
+6 March— I order a pack of Spiro and Progynova from AllDayChemist
+
+7 March— (Subject: "Re: Sleep")
+> Michael is _very smart_ in ways that I didn't used to understand and still don't understand, but I'm terrified of what the universe is going to do to me if I become too much like him
+
+
+me—
+> The parts where I felt like I was a very important person (in this simulation/Everett branch) and that people are plotting against me and that I'm receiving special simulator attention should be interpreted as standard manic-episode delusions of reference: lots of people feel just like that when they're excited and haven't gotten enough sleep; I'm just lucky that my delusions happen to take the form of maybe-nonterrible philosophy that maybe might play some relevant causal role in our world's Singularity, but that's not my department to worry about. Social reality may be crazy (hospitals are part of the state insofar as they serve the function of social-control in the service of stationary bandits, rather than actually being about trying to heal people), but I should still put a lot more weight on social reality (nice people are just doing their jobs trying to help) when the alternative is my intuition about the machines trying to kill me.
+
+Michael—
+> I certainly put a lot less weight on 'nice people doing their jobs' then I do on 'six sigma processes homeostatic ally adjusting to dampen the variance in outputs that is their representation of me.', which is basically equivalent to 'these well documented machines, the ones they teach you about in business school, do the thing they do. 'Trying to kill' is what an anthropomorphized version of the process looks like from the inside. We have enough documentation to know about the nice people doing their jobs paradigm being untenable.
+
+me 9 March (Subject: "slowly coming around to you")
+> Okay, maybe confusing and hurting the feelings of the nice people doing their jobs is actually acceptable collateral damage in the war against the control system. Or, not a war. An endeavor to map what the control system is in detail, and publish the map on the internet.
+
+Sat Feb 25 11:46:00 PST 2017
+ which three days could have been longer if it weren't for my quick wit (specifically, the ability, when feeling threatened, to use verbal skills to manipulate social reality rather than describe actual reality), the fact that the other patients/inmates knew the security code, and Michael Vassar's willingness to pretend to be a doctor.\n\nI'm sorry to keep telling this story over and over, but this is analogous to a religious conversion experience (I want people to explicitly engineer social technologies that provide the good parts of traditional religions and institutions, but more fun and without the lies: http://lesswrong.com/lw/5t/can_humanism_match_religions_output/), and I don't have any practice being a missionary! Please bear with me!
+
+_The pain won't go away until I write about it._ ("I've got a thick tongue, brimming with the words that go unsung.")
+
+
+JANICE LYNN ALLEY PSYD at 2/21/2017 10:25 AM, ADULT IOP THERAPIST INTAKE EVALUATION
+> Of note, ptt had also reportedly made statements at his workplace that he was suicidal the previous day.
+
+-----
+
+re: recent mental health stuff 11/10/17, 6:28 PM
+> As far as I can tell, you all acted in an exemplary fashion. Pressuring your friends to get enough sleep actually makes sense, decision-theoretically ("everyone should get sleep almost every day" is a pretty important schelling fence! It's much easier to coordinate with agents who are on a similar sleep cycle to you!). If I try to hold it against any of you in the future, please refer to this email.
+
+Seems significant in light of Jack blaming me for sleep nagging with "Lenore"
+
+My crazy verbosity: "when I asked what were the ways he thought I could help" → "when I asked how I could help" (cut 5 words)
+
+"Circling" meta-trainwreck was weeks before appealing to Said to critique Jessica's thing; in retrospect, that was probably causal (even if I wasn't thinking at the time, "I wouldn't be emailing Said if it weren't for that trainwreck thread)
+
+Another Said bafflement example: https://www.greaterwrong.com/posts/8xLtE3BwgegJ7WBbf/is-rationalist-self-improvement-real#comment-rm4NW4weWd7cSnTBX (from https://www.greaterwrong.com/posts/pC74aJyCRgns6atzu/meta-discussion-from-circling-as-cousin-to-rationality/comment/C5qMvFvX8jQ2vjnve)
+
+> Dear Suzanne Martin & Albert Lee—please learn auction theory; it will help you actually be an effective altruist, which is something your currently not trying to do, but which you'll realize was important later. I have the honor to be, your obedient servant,
+> Zack M. Davis
+
+(I had promised my father to wait a month after my psych ward ordeal to re-start HRT, but I [would restart](/2017/Mar/hormones-reboot-spironotacular/).)
+ * Alice said something about how every once in a while, someone runs off with the payments database
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