The young James Boylan had a question. What's it _like_, how does it _feel_. The question deserves an answer.
-I bought my first pair of breastforms in January 2008 (I was 20 years old). I think those mysteriously disappeared around that one time my mother unilaterally cleaned out my closet, but I bought another pair (a very high-quality model, plus accessories, for $240 that I probably couldn't afford at the time, but this was _important_) in July 2010. And I would wear them in private from time to time, and that was nice, but they were still, noticeably ... not actually part of my body. Not an answer to the question.
+<a id="first-breastforms"></a>I bought my first pair of breastforms in January 2008 (I was 20 years old). I think those mysteriously disappeared around that one time my mother unilaterally cleaned out my closet, but I bought another pair (a very high-quality model, plus accessories, for $240 that I probably couldn't afford at the time, but this was _important_) in July 2010. And I would wear them in private from time to time, and that was nice, but they were still, noticeably ... not actually part of my body. Not an answer to the question.
And later, on one of the few occasions when I was alone in bed with a woman, I complemented her on her breasts, and mused out loud that, though I had some amount of breast tissue, my chest wasn't interesting like hers.
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-In [my last HRT post](/2017/Jul/whats-my-motivation-or-hormones-day-89/), I mentioned one (relatively minor) motive for the experiment being a desire for trans legitimacy. If I'm going to write about trans issues with the hope of having an impact on the _Zeitgeist_ (and whatever Google Analytics says about my _current_ twenty sessions a day—is that really so unrealistic, after I write more and put more effort into (tasteful) social-media marketing?), it helps to establish credibility that I really am in the relevant reference class. _Given_ that that motivation exists, it's certainly better to acknowledge it rather than not-acknowledge it. But also, establishing credibility is kind of a _bad_ thing to have thumbing the scales on a major medical decision. After all, if I were optimizing for telling the best possible story here and having the greatest impact, the thing to do would be to transition. (Actual trans women like Anne Lawrence and [Miranda Yardley](http://mirandayardley.com/) are way more interesting than mere gender-dysphoric men like me.) Which has its temptations ...
+In [my last HRT post](/2017/Jul/whats-my-motivation-or-hormones-day-89/), I mentioned one (relatively minor) motive for the experiment being a desire for trans legitimacy. If I'm going to write about trans issues with the hope of having an impact on the _Zeitgeist_ (and whatever Google Analytics says about my _current_ twenty sessions a day—is that really so unrealistic, after I write more and put more effort into (tasteful) social-media marketing?), it helps to establish credibility that I really am in the relevant reference class. _Given_ that that motivation exists, it's certainly better to acknowledge it rather than not-acknowledge it. But also, establishing credibility is kind of a _bad_ thing to have thumbing the scales on a major medical decision. After all, if I were optimizing for telling the best possible story here and having the greatest impact, the thing to do would be to transition. (Actual trans women like [Anne Lawrence](http://www.annelawrence.com) and [Miranda Yardley](http://mirandayardley.com/) are way more interesting than mere gender-dysphoric men like me.) Which has its temptations ...
But no. I already have a _name_; I already have a _life_. And that's _final_.
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-For all the ambiguity I've expressed in this post, I want to emphasize how much this is _something I had to try_. In my Diary entry number 318, dated 24 March 2009, I wrote—
+For all the ambiguity I've expressed in this post, I want to emphasize how much this is _something I had to try_. In [my Diary entry number 318](/ancillary/diary/318/), dated 24 March 2009, I wrote—
> If it makes sense to speak of stripping away my autogynephila and my explicitly egalitarian-individualist ideology, would my very soul be revealed as male?
-(Editor's note: _yes_.)
+(Editor's note: _yes_. Because I have a male brain, and sufficiently-advanced soul science would be able to notice. It doesn't manifest as a _consciously-felt_ explicit "gender identity"—but [why should it?](/2016/Sep/psychology-is-about-invalidating-peoples-identities/))
> And if so, what can I do about it? What violence could I inflict upon me to make me my _self_?
>
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