... the scintillating but ultimately untrue thought.
-There's a word in the psychology literature for the beautiful feeling at the center of my life: _autogynephilia_ ("love of oneself as a woman"), coined in the context of a theory that it represented one of two distinct etiologies for male-to-female transsexualism. This theory didn't seem to be the standard mainstream view, and, I learned, people get really mad at you when you mention it in a comment section, so for a long time I self-identified with the _word_ "autogynephilia", but assumed that the theory was false. _I_ wasn't _trans_; I was just, you know, one of those guys who is pointedly insistent on not being _proud_ of the fact that they're guys, and who are erotically and romantically obsessed with the idea of being a woman.
+There's a word in the psychology literature for the beautiful feeling at the center of my life: _autogynephilia_ ("love of oneself as a woman"), coined in the context of a theory that it represented one of two distinct etiologies for male-to-female transsexualism. This theory didn't seem to be the standard mainstream view, and, I learned, people get really mad at you when you mention it in a comment section, so for a long time I self-identified with the _word_ "autogynephilia", but assumed that the theory was false. _I_ wasn't one of those people who were _actually trans_; I was just, you know, one of those guys who is pointedly insistent on not being _proud_ of the fact that they're guys, and who are erotically and romantically obsessed with the idea of being a woman.
Recent life events led me to do some reading—Kay Brown's blog [_On the Science of Changing Sex_](https://sillyolme.wordpress.com/), Anne Lawrence's [_Men Trapped in Men's Bodies: Narratives of Autogynephilic Transsexualism_](http://www.annelawrence.com/mtimb.html), and Imogen Binnie's novel [_Nevada_](http://haveyoureadnevada.com/) (this item is reverse-scored)—and I concluded that, no, wait, actually the Blanchard theory looks _correct_, and I _do_ have the same underlying psychological condition that leads people to transition.
Let me tell you about the moment I stopped wanting to be sensitive.
+[replace this paragraph with bullet-pointy list recounting the full, absurd conversation]
+
I had the most surreal, gaslighty conversation with a smart, nice young man, who was very insistent not just that I was wrong, but that I shouldn't be talking or thinking about the issue at all. I was told that the quality-of-life improvements available from making better decisions by means of understanding the underlying psychological phenomenon were small compared to the harm of suggesting that late-transitioning trans women aren't real women, that the right time to consider the question was in 25 to 30 years when the culture war over trans rights was won and out of the Overton Window, that _knowing the truth_ wouldn't help me and wouldn't help anyone else.
It didn't feel like I was talking to a reasonable, sane person who happened to have different beliefs from me about the etiology of male-to-female transgenderedness.
It _felt like_ I was talking to an AI designed to maximize the number of trans people.
+Obviously I'm totally in favor of trans _people_ having access to the hormones and surgeries that they want, and having their preferred pronouns respected. But if this is what the _subculture of trans activism_ does to people's heads, then maybe your _shitty delusional subculture deserves to die_.
+
I understand that for people who have _already_ built up a self-image around the idea that they are literally women and always have been, the idea that their female gender identity arose out of a misinterpretation of misdirected male sexuality could be extremely disturbing.
But people dealing with gender dysphoria who haven't already transitioned deserve accurate information! This is _personal_ to me. If being a good person means submitting to social pressure aimed at getting me to _shut up and stop thinking_ about the true nature of the beautiful feeling at the center of my life for _twenty-five fucking years_ (!?), then I have _no interest_ in being a good person.
projects / Ultimately_Untrue_Thought.git / blobdiff